


Centuries

by Ser_Renity



Series: Post-Canon [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Asexual Grimmjow, Asexuality, Body Dysphoria, Families of Choice, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Ichigo POV, M/M, Miscommunication, POV Second Person, Past Character Death, Recovery, Supernatural Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-04 12:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4137996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ser_Renity/pseuds/Ser_Renity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes fighting a war was easier than being at peace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit, I actually wrote a multi-chapter fanfic.
> 
> Happy Grimmichi day everyone, have some post-canon stuff that might turn into a fix-it if the manga ends horribly.  
> This does take place after the whole Quincy/Soul King situation is resolved. However, I am not trying to predict canon so most of the solution will be either not addressed or purposely vague. 
> 
> I'm gonna add tags as needed because I want to avoid spoilers, the Archive Warnings count for the whole story. That means no sudden Major Character Death or Non-Con. 
> 
> This mess is dedicated to Miha, because she is awesome and some of the ideas and headcanons in here are those she shared with me. Couldn't have done this without her, tbh.

 

* * *

 

 

“Have you heard the rumors?” Rukia asked you.

  
You looked up from the book you had been studying a little too intensely; even after reading the paragraph for the third time nothing made any sense.

  
“About the Adjuchas that’s supposed to be in town.”

  
“An Adjuchas?” you asked and you hoped your eyes did not betray your honest interest, “Did you get rid of it?”

  
Rukia shook her head and rubbed her chin with her fingertips.

  
“As I said, it’s just a rumor. But apparently it has been seen at night around the park when the moon is out. Kind of romantic, really.”

  
“Except it’s a giant monster that eats human flesh,” you muttered and smoothed down the pages in front of you. Medicine this, medicine that. You were sick to the core of reading about the texture of human skin.

  
Rukia looked at you strangely from where she was perched on top of the shelf in your wardrobe.

  
“You haven’t called them that in ages,” she commented and cocked her head, “Monsters.”

  
Intracellular concentration of calcium, you read, fluctuates due to semi-permeability of the membrane. Your brain processed it; the easy version of the ten pages you had to know by heart in a few weeks.

  
The words swirled around your mind, one giant cluster of complicated terms and answers to questions you had never asked.

  
All of them revolved around human conditions, human ailments. The book lay heavy on your lap, its spine worn and the color fading.

  
“Ichigo?” Rukia asked with concern, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  
You looked up at her, your eyes bleary. Even with your fingers hastily pressed against your lips you could not stifle a yawn.

  
“Sorry, Rukia,” you said sheepishly and blinked, “But I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. I’ll look into it if I find the time, but I really need to get this done before-”

  
“It’s fine,” she interrupted you and smiled, “I just wanted you to know so you can be more careful. Yuzu and Karin might have to go that way after school.”

  
It occurred to you that it had never been help she was after; you were so used to people asking things of you that you barely considered her intentions might have been different.

  
“Thanks,” you said and returned her smile with a weariness that irritated you. With barely eighteen years you should not have to feel this old.

  
“You fool, get back to work. If you start slacking off now I won’t take your human business as an excuse, you know,” Rukia scolded you, but her voice was kind and playful. It had always been about this with the two of you, the words left unsaid and those gestures of trust. Anything blunt, anything that needed explicit confirmation left you unsure. It was in your nature to protect, but actions always spoke louder than words for you.

  
“Tell me if you find out anything more, okay?” you asked and traced the picture on the page you had last read. A human hand shown in several positions. Open palm. Fingers drawn into a fist.

  
“Sure,” Rukia told you, “It might be a while before I can come here again, though. My brother asked for my assistance, I think something is going on with the other three noble houses.”

  
“That’s alright, I will be busy too.”

  
“You know that if anything happens you can still call for help, right?”

  
“Like I’d need help with a single Adjuchas,” you laughed, “Don’t sell me short just because you are.”

  
Rukia threw a screaming Kon at you and you laughed as she followed it up with insults.

  
For just a moment you could forget about the words spread out before you, about their weight and the future they carried with them.

 

* * *

 

 

“Ichi, do you know what you want to do once you’re done with university?” Yuzu asked you at dinner that day.

  
You exhaled audibly and rolled your eyes. The look of hurt on your face did not escape your notice, but the twitching in your mind was stronger. It was like a thumping in your chest besides the heart, something stronger and considerably more frantic.

  
“I don’t know yet,” you said, “Probably use it for something, I guess. Become a doctor, maybe.”

  
Their eyes were on you, three sets of them and their smiles mortified you. All would have been well had you not known they saw right through you.

  
“No matter what happens, we’ll always support you,” their smiles read and their eyes whispered voicelessly, “Through the bad and the worst and the best of times.”

  
Too bad they were not the ones you needed to prove something to; too bad they were not your own organs twisted in shame whenever you remembered the past.

  
“You deserve to be happy, Ichi,” Yuzu said and laughed, a tiny, bubbly sound.

  
“You put too much spice in this,” you answered and cracked a wary smile, “Look, you’re tearing up.”

  
Your sister giggled some more and you envied her, at least until Karin reached out and hit you over the head.

  
“You idiot,” she said and frowned, “No one expects as much from you as you do.”

  
It was a good thing to say, a nice thing. You filed it away for a later date, for a time when you needed it more.

  
Looking over to the other side of the table you saw your dad smiling as well. It was one of his goofy expressions but somehow you could feel the tension in your shoulders reduce and smooth out.

  
However, the calm did not last for very long. The storm was coming.

 

* * *

 

 

Thunder rolled later that night and you opened your eyes as soon as it did.

  
Rain, as chipper and loud as it had always been.

  
It overwhelmed you, more of a feeling than a natural occurrence. You shivered in the cold and sat up, the dark all around you thick and disconcerting.

  
Your skin prickled and you raised a hand to rub your neck, pushing the uncomfortable feeling back into the safety of your body.

  
“What the fuck?” you muttered and pressed your palms against your eyes until you saw stars.

  
Within seconds the ache spread from your neck to your stomach, your legs, the tips of your toes. There was no word for it, no reason to name it. After all, all that glittered was gold and all that mattered to you was gathered in this clinic.

  
Sometimes it all felt condensed, like you had compressed the entirety of your life into just this room and a few others. It didn’t help that you had traveled between worlds before when now all you did was stare at pages littered with anatomical drawings.

  
You sighed and wiped a hand across your face. In peace times there was no need for your somber mood and it felt petty to complain when you traded boredom for an end to the deaths.

  
You traced your fingers up your arms until they were splayed out on your shoulders. Even in the cold of night your hands were sweaty and skin stuck to skin. Any other day you would have gone right back to sleep, hoping for a dreamless descent.

  
Today there was thunder in your ears and lightning in the corner of your eye.

  
The curtains were heavy as you pulled them aside. Immediately the dull light of the streetlamps spread inside your room, across your fingertips. Outside there were storm clouds and the occasional spout of lightning; rain and darkness and the cold you could sense as it radiated from the glass of your window.

  
The street was empty and you watched it for a while, the wet asphalt and bleak circles of light around the streetlamps. It was dark and gloomy and the feeling of a late night tugged at your heartstrings.

  
Then you saw it, on the opposite row of houses where the light did not quite reach. A shadow; no, maybe even less than this. A glimpse of something, vanishing as quickly as it appeared.

  
You could have passed it off as a trick of the eye had it not been for the flare of reiatsu that sent your heart into a frenzy.

  
It had been so long.

  
Sleep did not come easy that night, not with your pulse racing and your eyes wide open. They began to sting as you kept on watching the street, always looking for another hint of power, another indication that world behind the mirror was still there. Your friends were one thing; the promise of danger another.

  
You caught yourself laughing as you settled down on the pillow in the earliest hours of the morning. The sound was peculiar and you pressed a hand to your lips as if that could help keep it inside.

 

* * *

 

 

The lecture was the same as always and you desperately wanted to trade the blackboard for the window at your side. Your eyes grew tired of the same scenery quickly, but at least the clouds moved and the birds flew past. At least they were alive and not just words, people speaking of things you didn’t care about.

  
People beside you were taking notes of everything the professor in front said and you felt like that was the smart thing to do. But your arms felt heavy and your head was filled with cotton.

  
Time dragged on and you with it, the ticking of a clock slowed down until you felt like you were chewing on stringy meat.

  
Then, suddenly, it was over and you dragged yourself outside. Fresh air filled your lungs and you felt like it was the first breath in ages that didn’t taste stale.

  
“Sorry, I got something to take care of first,” you told the people who wanted you to come along, maybe get something to drink.

  
They watched you with concern as you jogged away from them. Of course they didn’t know you were still stuck in the past and its many worlds, but they could tell there was something on your mind that distanced you from them. How could it not? You had saved this world before you even got the chance to find out what it looked like.

 

* * *

 

 

The park was silent and warmed by sunlight as you arrived, even as it began to grow dark. Your steps led you over the grass and the hills, the narrow paths and to one of the small lakes.

  
A few months ago you would have laughed at the thought of staring wistfully at the small waves to chase away your worries. Now you were not so sure anymore, there was something calming about the steady rise and fall of the waterfront. Rukia had seen right through you even weeks ago.

  
“You miss the fighting, don’t you?” she had asked and frowned, “The excitement, the rush of battle.”

  
“Shut up,” you grumbled back then, “No I don’t. Why would I? We’ve got peace now, I can live my life.”

  
She was not exactly right, but close enough to the truth to remind you why you were never quite satisfied with how things had turned out.

  
It wasn’t the fights you missed, you contemplated as you threw a rock out onto the lake. You watched as it sank and threw another.

  
What you missed was the reality of those other worlds, the _something more_ that a human life failed to give you. Peace was not the problem, humanity as the only applicable construct was. By now you were more than that, more than you had been three years ago before Rukia showed you her world.

  
You sighed and traced your fingertips over the muddy ground.

  
“Get a grip,” you told yourself, “It’ll pass before you know it.”

  
As you got up, you saw the shadow move on the other side of the lake.

 

* * *

 

 

“I think I saw your Adjuchas,” you told Rukia as she came over to visit later that day. It was a common occurrence these days and you had gotten used to seeing her at your dinner table. At some point you suspected she knew how much you missed her and her world and came around just to remind you it had been real. Still was, maybe.

  
“Really? Where?” she wanted to know and furrowed her brow, “We need to take care of it immediately, who knows what it’s going to do if we don’t.”

  
You stared at her blankly and wondered why you disagreed.

  
“I’ll take care of it,” you said and shrugged, “It’s no big deal. Let’s keep it between the two of us, okay?”

  
Rukia hesitated, but something about your words seemed to get to her. Maybe it was the way you phrased it or the slight inconsistency in your voice. As one of your closest friends she picked up on the uncertainties so easily, as easy as taking apart a delicate flower. Even with her eyes closed she would never fail to expose everything.

  
“I know you don’t think this is enough,” she said and her expression softened, “But you were human first, Ichigo. Take your time and enjoy being one while you can.”

  
You averted your eyes and exhaled.

  
“Yeah,” you breathed out and curled your fingers in the blanket beneath your tense body, “I guess.”

  
As Rukia left you barely waited another minute before you jumped out of your window and ran off into the night.

 

* * *

 

 

The waves were silent at night, the water dark and deep like a chasm to the core of the earth. It made you feel tiny and insignificant for a change and a kinder man might have written poetry to match your feelings.

  
All you needed was the sensation of something ethereal in the air, something more than just human words and thoughts and images.

  
As you sat down to clear your head there was a shadow that caught your attention.

  
Movement in your peripheral vision, steps across damp grass. Then reiatsu, pouring out and washing over you in waves.

  
You turned your head so quickly it hurt your neck; you didn’t care.

  
“I know you’re there,” you said and clambered to your knees, “Adjuchas.”

  
A rustle in the trees, careful steps in your direction. In the dark you could only make out the faint outline of a slim body tiptoeing around the space you had occupied. Occasionally the light was reflected by its eyes, bright and careful as it stalked the premises like the predator it was.

  
“You’re the first one I’ve seen in months,” you whispered and shook your head, “God, I sound like an idiot. I should kill you, not talk to you.”

  
No reaction. Eyes glinted, claws pawed at the ground. Then it fell quiet and watched you.

  
“Hueco Mundo is gone, isn’t it?” you continued and the smile you had mustered up faded, “It was completely destroyed. Is that why you came here? Because there was nowhere else to go?”

  
Its reiatsu shivered as if it could feel the cold. Undoubtedly hollow, you thought. After all this time you had learned how to discern your foes from your friends. Right now this Adjuchas felt like neither to you; for now it was a bridge between worlds, maybe the only one in the entire universe who could understand how you felt.

  
“Do I have to kill you?” you asked.

  
“Do I have to?” you asked yourself, the words spoken out loud only to ease your conscience.

  
Although you had no answer to the question you took a step forward, shaky and doubtful.

  
The creature shied away from you as if it could sense the blood of its kin on your hands. No one could deny that you had slaughtered many of them, of the bloodthirsty Hollows and the humanoid ones, the cruel and the empty alike.

  
As you crawled closer the reiatsu sparked once more and you flinched as if struck. It was a warning, a threat. Stay away or I’ll kill you. Stand down or I’ll tear you apart.

  
However, that was not what caused you to stop and stare. Threats had never really worked against you, not if you had no choice but to fight.

  
What shocked you was the familiar feel of the intense reiatsu, how it felt natural to approach you like this.

  
Two glowing points in the shadows emerged as the light was reflected again. Blue. They were blue.

  
“Grimmjow,” you gasped. No hesitation, no doubt in your mind. There was no need to stall or keep quiet about your epiphany, it was there as quick as a lightning strike.

  
The creature before you seemed frozen in place for moment. Then it bolted and before you could even register the movement it was gone again.

  
The lake was calm, the waves soft and harmless. You stared down at your hands and your words echoed in your mind like a malfunctioning audio recording.

  
_Do I have to kill you?_

 

* * *

 

 

Rukia looked at you with sadness evident in her eyes even if she tried to hide it.

  
“Ichigo,” she began and you knew everything that followed would not please you.

  
“Save it,” you interrupted her and sank down into the kitchen chair, “I don’t wanna hear it.”

  
“Ichigo,” Rukia repeated and forced you to look at her, “That’s impossible. You know-”

  
“I know damn well what happened. That doesn’t change shit. I know what I saw.”

  
“You saw it? The Adjuchas?” Renji asked and leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest.

  
They all came to visit you whenever they could and you were grateful enough not to thank them, ever. It was nothing they needed to know you appreciated; they didn’t do it to do you a favor.

  
“Yeah, I did,” you admitted and shrugged, “It didn’t attack me.”

  
Rukia shot you a glance as if she was afraid you would repeat what you had said to her just minutes ago. The unbelievable, the ludicrous.

  
“Where was that?” Renji said and frowned, “We can’t let it just roam free. Humans could get hurt if it decides to attack someone weaker than you.”

  
Their eyes were on you, expectant and honest. No matter their trust, you didn’t have to think twice about your answer.

  
“Near the old hospital,” you said, “I went there yesterday because I felt its reiatsu. Even after all this time it was impossible to miss.”

  
“Then why didn’t you kill it?”

  
Renji’s question startled you even if it was justified. To them Hollows still had to be nothing but mindless monsters; if they ever threatened Soul Society it was the shinigami who would have to clean up after them. Since Hueco Mundo was ground into dust there were not many other options for the few evil spirits prowling the earth. Seiretei was a death trap, a one way ticket to annihilation, but it was more than a desolate wasteland with no spirit particles left.

  
“I don’t know, I just-” you began and paused as you caught Rukia looking at you. She knew the real reason why you had spared the Hollow, but she had called you crazy. It was likely Renji would react similarly and the thought scared you. The more people told you it was not true the more you would begin to believe them.

  
“It didn’t seem hostile,” you finally said, “It could have attacked and probably killed me, but it didn’t. So I thought I could just let it go to return the favor.”

  
“You’re fucking stupid,” Renji sighed and wiped a hand over his face. He was balancing a bowl of food on his left palm so the gesture made you uncomfortable, cleaning the floor would be a hassle.

  
“Oy, it’s not like anything bad happened so far, right, so what’s-”

  
“Do you really think I’m gonna believe that?” Renji snapped and frowned, “C’mon, gimme a little credit, asshole.”

  
You gaped at him until he started to laugh, smug and so loud you were worried the neighbors would come over to check on you.

  
“Out with it,” Renji demanded and sat down on another kitchen chair next to yours, “What really happened?”

  
“Ichigo was just confused,” Rukia chimed in and sighed, “There’s no need to drag this out any longer.”

You knew she was just trying to protect you, yet you couldn’t help but feel indignant she shushed you this quickly.

  
“It’s Grimmjow,” you said and glared at her, “I didn’t kill it because it’s Grimmjow.”

  
Renji’s eyes widened immensely and he seemed unsure whether to frown or not. As his uncertainty only increased with time he looked over at Rukia in search of help. It hurt you to see them at a loss and still trying their very best not to upset you.

  
“Ichigo,” Renji said and cleared his throat, “Grimmjow is dead.”

 

 

* * *

 


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am neither a doctor nor a med student, so please forgive (and correct) me if I got something wrong.
> 
> Apart from that: Thank you for the positive feedback so far!

 

* * *

 

 

_A thousand Quincy later you were still alive._

  
_Blades glinting in the sunlight, arrows whizzing past your head. It was warm outside. Your skin burned and prickled as you moved._

  
_Another strike, another foot soldier downed._

  
_You breathed in._

  
_You breathed out._

  
_“Kurosaki, get a move on!”_

  
_A shout from somewhere close to your left flank, a warning and a demand. Loud voices calling out to you. Sweat dripping into your eyes._

  
_You exhaled shakily. Then turned. Took down another one of their kind._

  
_“What the hell are you doing, Kurosaki?”_

  
_Blood dripped down your forehead, into your eyes. Your vision blurred and shivered before it went dark._

  
_It was just a second of hesitation._

  
_Reaching up, pressing your shaking palm against your eyes so that the liquid smeared across your cheeks instead. It stuck to your fingers, tepid, chewy._

  
_Your head spun. Your eyes stung._

  
_The world seemed to grow smaller all off a sudden, its walls closing in on you like a gigantic death trap. A horror movie tailored for you._

  
_Through the haze forced over your mind you sensed someone approaching, reiatsu burning with the intent to kill._

  
_You looked up._

  
_A blade, different, deadly. Closer, closer._

  
_You swallowed and your throat contracted noisily until it was the only dull sound you perceived. The air smelled of stale sweat and blood. Metal and fire. All of it emitted sparks in your head but nothing to associate them with._

  
_You closed your eyes, eyelids heavy and eyeballs quivering in their sockets._

  
_A crunching sound._

  
_Inhale._

  
_A splashing sound._

  
_Exhale._

  
_You were not in pain._

  
_As the mist around your thoughts lifted and allowed you to take in the scene before you it was already too late._

  
_“Kurosaki,” Grimmjow gasped around a mouthful of blood, “Kurosaki.”_

  
_His voice itself was an accusation._

 

* * *

 

 

“I was there,” you said and shook your head, “I know what happened. That doesn’t change the fact that it was him yesterday.”

  
“We didn’t get the chance to deliver a soul burial,” Renji disagreed and got up from his seat, “There’s no way he made it.”

  
You shrugged.

  
“I know what I saw.”

  
They traded looks again as if you couldn’t see them.

  
“Look, Ichigo,” Rukia said and smiled sadly, “We all know you are not happy with the way things turned out, but you have business to take care of in this world.”

  
They wiped the topic of the Adjuchas off the figurative table, one swipe and it was gone.

  
“Yeah, your time as a shinigami will come, idiot,” Renji agreed with her, “For now just take it easy and live that human life. You freaking earned it.”

  
You smiled at them and their enthusiasm.

  
”Shut up, you two,” you said and waved your hand dismissively, “You’re making me blush.”

 

* * *

 

 

The lake was not as calm that night. Gusts of wind shoved waves across its surface, the ominous silhouettes of trees moving softly. It looked like they were alive, shaking and dancing as part of a peculiar ritual.

  
You bristled in the cold, your shinigami badge clutched to your chest. Even if you were not afraid you knew being cautious was a wise choice.

  
This time you could not feel anything in the darkness around you, not even a shred of reiatsu. It was no surprise; you had never verified your suspicions and the Adjuchas had run away without ever confirming it could understand you.

  
He, you corrected yourself.

  
No matter how you looked at it, the doubts had already taken root. Because even if you had been sure before there was still the possibility you were blinded by hope.

  
A connection to the world from before, a passage to go back and someone to lead you through it.

  
The sounds of the night kept you on your toes, the whispers of the leaves and the cracking noises of the branches were louder in the dark. An insect flew past your head and you watched as its wings buzzed and its outline vanished in the mass that was the forest. Swallowed by the blackness that seemed like an entirely new creature to you.

  
You breathed out a sigh of relief as if that could ease your mind; fake it until it was real. The sound was obtrusive and small in the park that suddenly engulfed you like an entire world hidden away in the night.

  
It scared you, being alone out here. After all you had been through it should not get to you, but it had been a while since you had used your powers. Somehow they didn’t come natural to you anymore, as if you had grown out of them during your time apart.

  
So even if the shinigami badge was right there in your hand it did not offer the sense of security it should, as if that part of you had distanced itself from you on its own.

  
There was nothing you feared more.

  
With shaky hands and uncertain legs you managed to sit down on the dirty ground, close to the lake and close to the place you had last seen movement.

  
Patience was a virtue, you told yourself and waited with your arms wrapped around yourself.

  
You left in the early hours of the morning, sneezing and shivering. As you crawled into bed you could still hear the soft sound of the waves, the voices of the trees around you. Nothing more than what should be there.

  
You fell asleep wishing you had stayed still in your room, motionless until morning.

 

* * *

 

 

“So what joint connects the distal phalanx and the middle phalanx, Ichi?”

  
You buried your face in the crook of your arm and hoped she would stop asking soon. The shirt you had worn to sleep smelled like dried earth even if it had never touched the dirt.

  
“So?” Karin asked again and leaned forward onto the table, “Do you know the answer?”

  
Your reply was muffled by your arm but the way she rolled your eyes told you she knew you had no idea.

  
“It says it is the-” Karin paused and squinted, “Distal- inter- phal- angeal- joint. Easy, see?”

  
You nodded slowly and then yawned until your jaw cracked. With little to no sleep you always felt like you had long since stopped being a human.

  
“Karin, don’t bully him!” Yuzu scolded her sister and pouted as she took in your sorry state, “And Ichi, you should go to bed if you’re so tired, you might be getting sick.”

  
She was right, of course, and her concern warmed your heart as much as it annoyed you how easily they had seen through you.

  
“I might do just that,” you muttered and dragged your body out of the kitchen chair.

  
Your sisters wished you a good night as you shuffled up the stairs, but they also looked worried. You couldn’t blame them; if you weren’t sleeping you were studying and they probably wondered how long you could keep that up.

  
But bones and joints and the concentration of certain minerals in the human body were the last thing on your mind now; bone masks were, maybe, Hollow holes and sharp claws buried in the soft earth you had rested on.

 

* * *

 

 

“No news on the Adjuchas,” you muttered. You had read Rukia’s message on your way to university. Well, that was the first time; by now you added at least six other instances where you took the time to stare at the five words. They were not what you wanted to hear.

  
It had been a week since you saw the Hollow in the park and every night since then had been filled with nothing but low temperatures and disappointment.

  
However, you couldn’t just let it rest. You were too stubborn for that; a trait you had shared with-

  
“Kurosaki!”

  
The voice that called out to you was all wrong but you flinched nonetheless.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Kurosaki,” Grimmjow gasped around a mouthful of blood, “Kurosaki.”_

 

* * *

 

 

You told them you didn’t have the time to talk, you needed to work and work some more.

  
“Be careful, even you need to take a break occasionally,” they told you and squeezed your shoulder. By the time they left you had already forgotten their face and why their opinion mattered in the first place.

  
Nothing made sense anymore and you raced back home as if Aizen himself was following you. He couldn’t. He had been the first to die.

 

* * *

 

 

“So I really did get into med school,” you said and laughed, “It’s crazy, really. I feel like we just started high school a few weeks back.”

  
“Mhm.”

  
“Isn’t it? I mean, with everything that happened it should feel like years passed, but I never realized that until I got back and my family wanted to celebrate my birthday.”

  
“Mhmhm.”

  
“Good to hear that, I was wondering what you’ve been up to,” you answered, “Where are you right now? Peru?”

  
“Nicaragua.”

  
“I could swear it was Peru.”

  
“It was. Then it was Nicaragua.”

  
You laughed out loud at that, your legs drawn up against your chest where you sat cramped on the windowsill. The phone in your hand felt strange and heavy, as if the warmth of the sun dragged it down. As you looked out of the window to your right you saw other students make their way home, one after another while you just lazed the day away.

  
“Chad,” you said and cleared your throat, “When are you coming back? You didn’t just decide to ditch us entirely, right?”

  
Silence. He saw right through you.

  
“Ishida vanished, too,” you continued so you wouldn’t have to face your own question, “Left Orihime a note saying sorry and just ran off. Not that I blame him, there are a lot of people who can’t forgive him for what he did. Even if he did the right thing in the end.”

  
“Do you think I am running from something, too?” Chad asked you and it was an honest question, an important one. You felt its impact shake your soul.

  
“I don’t know,” you replied, “I hope not.”

  
“It was nice to hear from you, Ichigo,” Chad said and it sounded exactly like the goodbye it was.

 

* * *

 

 

Your eyes hurt as much as your fingers were shaking as you returned to the lake in the middle of the night. With your sleep-deprived mind it seemed like the best ideas to wait another time, another night wasted.

  
Your stomach churned and you groaned as you sat down; your head spun and you were no longer capable of focusing on one thing at a time.

  
Before long your thoughts swirled around like fish in a fish bowl, twisting around trying to avoid each other.

  
There was the image of a broken body at your feet, another of a human hand. There was a message, then the trees, dark and intimidating in front of the milky night sky.

  
You fell asleep with nothing on your mind, a nothingness in your skull great enough to expand your horizons.

 

* * *

 

 

When you awoke the dirt felt warm against your cheek, every muscle in your body cramped and aching.

  
You groaned and stretched, forced your weary self into a seating position and took a deep breath. The sun had not yet risen past the horizon but the dark was mostly dispelled. Birds chirped in the trees and you had to reach down and brush ants off your leg.

The world no longer stood still near the lake.

  
Until it suddenly stopped again, abrupt and relentless as if someone threw a wrench in the very gears of the world.

  
Next to you there was movement, too large to be an animal native to the park.

  
One second passed, then another. You blinked them away and did not dare to turn.

  
Then the spike of reiatsu almost gently nudged your side and you twisted your head around.

  
Blinding white fur, black markings trailing across its surface. Teeth and claws exposed and sharper than needles.

  
You stared at the creature in front of you, its tail wrapped around its strong legs. A panther, you thought, a _Pantera_. Within its lithe body you could sense power curled tightly and compressed into a small vessel.The tenacity and fierce spirit of a wild animal.

  
Even now, with dirt stuck underneath your fingertips and the cold spreading in your limbs you would have doubted yourself; could have doubted your eyes or your memories or anything else within your reach.

  
But then there were the eyes; a shade of blue you had never seen again, lighter on the outside, darker around the pupils.

  
For a moment you stared at each other, breathless, gauging every reaction, every twitching muscle.

  
And then you smiled, suddenly, a big goofy grin that spread across your face until you felt like it would be split in two. It almost hurt in the corners of your mouth, your lips stretched tight and your cheeks not used to the expression anymore.

  
“It really is you,” you said and choked on your laughter, “Fuck, I never thought I’d see you again.”

  
The large cat shook its body once and got back up from its haunches, stalking closer to where you still sat on the uneven ground.

  
“Say something,” you asked and felt a blush rise to your cheeks at your own reactions. Your voice even quivered a little as you spoke as if you hadn’t used it in ages. Brittle as your mind felt after sleepless nights followed by busy days.

  
“At least tell me I am not losing my mind,” you continued.

  
The panther reached you, its fur pristine and its body unmarred by scars. You were just a disheveled human child to the Hollow, just a strange incomprehensible source of spiritual energy. It occurred to you how pathetic you had to look, confused and vulnerable.

  
The cat came to a halt just in front of you, its nose just about a palm’s width away from yours. Blue eyes, again, expressive and as intense as suns carved into ice.

  
You held your breath and willed your restless heart to calm.

  
“Just tell me your name,” you murmured and bit your lip. Blood was rushing in your ears and for a single moment there was nothing but you and that ethereal creature in front of you.

  
The panther’s ears twitched and it exposed its teeth.

  
“Grimmjow,” he growled without ever breaking eye contact, “I am Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez.”

 

* * *

 

 

“The number of Hollows dropped even further these last few weeks,” Rukia reported to you and cocked her head, “You didn’t decide to go and decimate them again, did you? Because you know exactly you have to pass all your exams first before you can think about going out to defeat any of them.”

  
“I had nothing to do with it,” you said and lifted up your hands in a defensive gesture, “I am busy, as you said.”

  
“I know you’ve been going outside at night though,” she commented and stopped you before you could protest, “I wasn’t watching you, but you are still horrible at hiding your reiatsu and basically rushed past me when I was still on my way out.”

  
It had been only a matter of time before you were detected but you had hoped you would have at least a few weeks before people began to grow suspicious of you.

  
“Did you see it again?” Rukia asked and her voice as kind now, with that hidden undertone of pity and concern. It seemed she had not forgotten what you had told her.

  
“No,” you answered and sighed, “I think you were right. I must have been seeing things. I mean, all things considered I should have expected that.”

  
“Yeah. I can’t get the images out of my head either. Some things you don’t forget, I guess.”

  
You looked up and for the first time in a month you allowed the realization to sink in that others had been through the same shit as you.

  
“What is it for you?” you asked quietly and straightened your back.

  
Rukia shrugged.

  
“A lot of things, idiot,” she said and you smiled at how fondly she delivered her insults, “That time when my brother was injured and we thought he was dead.”

  
You winced and regretted ever asking, but you knew that there was no stopping her now. Just like she had been there for you you would return the favor, no questions asked.

  
“And then the same thing you’re thinking about right now,” Rukia continued and frowned as your eyes widened, “Don’t look so surprised.”

  
“Grimmjow was my responsibility,” you answered, “I didn’t realize you cared. I mean, no one would have expected you to considering what he did.”

  
She crossed her arms before her chest and closed her eyes.

  
“Idiot,” she said decidedly and huffed out a laugh, “We all knew he was there because of you. That doesn’t change the fact that what happened is difficult to forget.”

 

* * *

 

 

_It came as a surprise to you when Rukia asked you to give her and Grimmjow some space. Perhaps it was the way she phrased it or the determination in her voice, but you sensed a change approaching, something big and fearsome._

  
_The Quincy trap still kept you mostly in the same area so you had all the time in the world. An explanation was a reasonable thing to demand._

_“Are you sure?” you asked her and dodged her punch, “Yeah, okay, I get it. Of course you are.”_

  
_Worry did not equate underestimation, never had. The two people glaring at you never truly understood that._

  
_“If he gives you any trouble-”_

  
_“I ain’t gonna hurt your friend, Kurosaki,” Grimmjow interrupted you and lifted his eyebrows, “I got no interest in killing her.”_

  
_And you believed him, strangely enough. His anger was quieter already, a vicious force bubbling beneath his cool exterior, but quieter than before._

  
_They walked away, Rukia with her head held high and Grimmjow with the usual horrible posture. You wondered about them; wondered if they would return in one piece._

  
_Hours later they returned and you would have joked about their time spent alone had they not seemed so different._

  
_Grimmjow walked off with a scowl, presumably to hide away until a fight piqued his interest._

  
_Rukia walked up to you and smiled._

  
_“I don’t trust him,” she said and held up a hand as you were about to give a sarcastic reply, “But he will keep his word, no doubt about it.”_

  
_“Even with Aizen around?”_

  
_“Especially with Aizen around.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“We mourned you, you know,” you said and sighed. The earth was cold beneath your shoulder blades and you shuddered as it touched your sensitive neck.

  
Soft footsteps, trailing closer, leaving shallow prints on the mushy ground.

  
Soon a weight settled down by your side, careful and collected. Even then you were met with silence.

  
“They think I’m seeing things,” you continued, nonplussed by his lack of reaction, “I believed them for a while.”

  
You looked to the side and saw blue eyes staring back. Grimmjow rested his head on his front paws and watched you with a mixture of curiosity and aggravation.

  
“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” you said and smirked to hide how tired you were, “But neither do you, huh?”

  
The large cat blinked slowly.

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s okay, Ichi, you’ll do better next time!” Yuzu told you the following week as you returned home. The envelope in her hand was stiff and pristine and you did not need to see its rugged edges to make the connection.

  
“Sorry, we were just so excited-”

  
“It’s fine,” you told your sister and smiled, “I needed a break anyway. That’s just another sign it’s time for that.”

  
She hugged you around the waist and told you how worried she had been, how unsure of how to approach you. If you felt your eyes grow teary as well as you wrapped your arms around her she did not mention it.

 

* * *

 

 

“I failed my exam,” you told Grimmjow and watched as he circled around you, tail twisting behind his slim body.

  
“They don’t know I did it on purpose,” you added and shrugged, “I just needed some space.”

  
“Does that include coming here every day?”

  
It was still strange to hear the deep voice from the panther, especially because he went for such lengths without saying a word. It always came as a surprise when he broke the silence and addressed you directly.

  
“I guess,” you replied, “Do you want me to stay away?”

  
Grimmjow growled and stalked closer, his back arched.

  
“Can’t stop ya anyway,” he said and exposed his teeth, “You’ll be back no matter what I tell you.”

  
“Oh?”

  
“I’m what connects you to that other world,” he explained and chuckled as you tensed, “Don’t underestimate me, Kurosaki, I know exactly what this is about.”

  
The last weeks had been like this some way or other; you walked to the park late at night when no one was around. Some days Grimmjow joined you, others he didn’t. The latter option had become rare, hardly ever did you wait in vain.

  
Then you would talk and he answered and left at his own discretion. If you were honest with yourself it was less than you ever expected; what you had hoped for were explanations and a basis to build on, a foundation for the trust you thought you had established. After all, what else could taking a hit for someone mean? An action born of hatred never included selflessness.

  
“I am not your ticket back,” Grimmjow said and his words tore you away from your daydream.

  
You smiled at him.

  
“Yeah, but you understand, more than anyone,” you answered.

 

Silence, judging blue eyes fixed right on you.

  
“You miss it too, don’t you? Hueco Mundo?”

  
Grimmjow turned and left without another word, slinking back into the shadows to leave you to your thoughts.

  
In the night even the safety of your mind was a scary place.

 

 

* * *

 


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to all of you who gave kudos, subscribed and/or bookmarked, I am happy you are enjoying this so far and I hope you'll stay along for the ride.  
> edit: Of course I also appreciate those people who read silently and don't do any of the above. If at least one of you sees this (or any of my other stuff) as something worth coming back for, I am the happiest person in the world.
> 
> I updated the approximate number of chapters, so now you can estimate how much more there's gonna be. I'll try to update on Mondays, but my memory is shit and I might forget.

* * *

 

 

“For me it was Nel,” Renji told you two days later, his mind muddled in his drunken stupor and his mouth slack and unable to stop the words from spilling. If they were tangible you supposed they would be bubbles of muddy water; your head was just as hazy.

  
“What do you mean?” you slurred and tried to focus past the buzz; your first one. You didn’t feel like celebrating.

  
“We talked about what images we have nightmares about, right?” Renji asked and propped his body up on his elbows, feet scraping the floor in front of your bed, “You obviously can’t get rid of that Arrancar if you keep seeing him. For me it was Nel.”

 

* * *

 

 

_You looked down on the choking creature drowning on its own blood. It couldn’t be, couldn’t be Grimmjow. Just seconds ago he had been there, fighting and cursing and grinning like a comic villain._

  
_The corrupted carcass in front of you could not be him; a dismantled machine, a flayed man. You believed none of it._

  
_That was, until he started speaking._

  
_“Kurosaki,” Grimmjow gasped around a mouthful of blood, “Kurosaki.”_

  
_Someone screamed and it took you a moment to realize it wasn’t you. It had to be him, your brain uselessly tried to convince you, if he could scream he could move could live could breathe without cease._

  
_Nel brushed past you before you could make sense of the scene before you._

  
_Seeing her reactivated the part of you that had refused to access your surroundings; green hair so vibrant it burned in your eyes._

  
_Grimmjow, torn in half. His head was still in place, his neck covered in dark marks caused by strangulation, burns caused by reiatsu reached his collarbone._

  
_Below that a vertical line reaching from left shoulder to the inside of his right thigh. One side of the border was still intact; the other gone entirely, disintegrated into nothing but dust._

  
_Halved, you thought, a clean cut to make two out of one. The circle in his abdomen was incomplete now._

  
_Grimmjow gargled a few words but they never reached you, not with the fight around you going on. However, the loudest noise was Nel’s voice, wailing and pleading and saying all those things you had on your mind._

  
_“Not like this.” Then what was it supposed to be like?_

  
_“You idiot.” No surprise, even if it should have been._

  
_“You came so far, you can’t stop now.” Oh but he could and he was proving you all wrong again. Made the impossible happen. Stopped after waiting all those years._

  
_You swallowed and tasted blood._

  
_“You said you can’t die before you killed me,” you managed to say._

  
_Grimmjow looked at you, really looked, his eyes panicked and wide. Then they dulled and cracked and finally turned to dust._

  
_Nel cried, a sound you would not forget for a while._

  
_Your last words were another._

 

* * *

 

 

“I mean, they were literally the last of their kind for all she knew,” Renji continued, “That was fucking sad, even if she is fine now.”

  
Nel had stayed in Soul Society and adapted well; she sent you a letter once, her handwriting large and twirly. You missed her and her words and the simple way she lived. She knew sacrifice well; an old friend, so to speak.

  
“And then I see Rukia when she’s shot,” Renji muttered, “Crumbling like a child’s toy thrown out of a window. She’s so small, you know. Of course she can hold her own, but...”

  
He trailed off and cleared his throat.

  
“Yeah,” you agreed without finding the words you were both missing, “Yeah, she is.”

 

* * *

 

 

Grimmjow approached you before you reached the park that night; a glimmering trace of reiatsu by your side as he nudged you along.

  
In this form his shoulders were at the same height as your hip. It sent a tingling feeling down your spine as his flank brushed against your leg. Somehow you still mostly thought of him as a person, not an animal; but like this you could see how things must have been in the desert, forever hunting for prey until a new king appeared.

  
Claws clicked on concrete once to remind you not to indulge in your daydreams.

  
“Where are we going?” you asked and wondered if you would get an answer.

  
Grimmjow growled at your side. He trotted along with a grace you had seen in the movement of his resurrección; the humanoid Arrancar you met first had been all about slumped shoulders and his hands stuffed in his pockets.

  
“So you’re not going to tell me,” you sighed and stretched your arms above your head, “Fair enough.”

  
No reply, just the sound of paws matching your footsteps.

  
As you reached a crossing and Grimmjow hesitated it first occurred to you he didn’t know where to go either.

  
The thought brought a smile to your face.

 

* * *

 

 

“I still see Ulquiorra sometimes,” Orihime admitted as you asked her, “I reach for his hand but it turns into dust before I can take it.”

  
You remember it well. Mighty Cuarto crumbling before you, eyes wide and resigned. In his last moments he did not look at you even as he asked to be killed.

“I see so many of them,” Orihime said and closed her eyes, “I know it’s strange, they were our enemies after all.”

  
“It’s not strange,” you answered and wondered you your words were meant to reassure, “You’re kind, Inoue.”

“I just don’t want anyone to die.”

  
Her words rang true for you, as well. However, comparing the two of you felt wrong, twisted, hypocritical. When her desire to protect manifested she could help, heal, restore all that had been broken; you protected by eliminating threats, by stopping blades with your own, by-

  
“I don’t blame you for his death,” Orihime told you and smiled even as her lips quivered, “I just wish there could have been another way.”

 

* * *

 

 

“What would a poor merchant like me have nightmares about, Kurosaki-san?” Urahara asked and smirked, “I’m afraid I have no stories to share with you.”

  
“Have it your way,” you muttered, “Not like I expected anything else.”

  
You leaned back from the counter and turned to walk out of the shop just moments after you entered. You called it a personal mission; inquiring about everyone else’s problems since you spent so much time lamenting over your own.

  
“Is there anything else you wanted?” Urahara called after you as you laid a hand on the door.

  
Of course there was, the questions burned in your mind like embers carelessly dropped while trying to extinguish a fire. However, you were not sure if you were quite ready to ask what worried you.

  
“No,” you said and stepped outside, “No, nothing else.”

  
Urahara’s laugh was smug.

  
“And you call me a liar, Kurosaki-san.”

 

* * *

 

 

Four days later marked the first time Grimmjow followed you home.

  
“It’s a bad idea,” he growled as you asked him to, but even as he rolled his eyes and turned his back on you his reiatsu reacted to the remnant of yours.

  
It was something that would always be left unsaid; like it had been before he died and like it continued to be now.

  
Grimmjow needed you to search him out and reassure him time and time again that you were allies; that this was not just temporary. It was a sad thought, not knowing how to have friends at all.

  
“It’ll be fine,” you said and kept your voice calm, amiable, comforting, “It’s getting cold outside and even if we were lucky so far, sooner or later someone will see you outside.”

  
Blue eyes trained on you.

  
“You haven’t told anyone?”

  
“I didn’t know if you’d want me to,” you replied and shrugged as you passed the second to last streetlamp in front of your house.

  
Grimmjow looked at you without blinking and then walked past you, his side brushing against yours once more.

  
“Let’s go,” he said and nodded in the direction of your window, “Open it for me, will ya?”

  
“Is that you asking for help?” you teased.

  
“I don’t have thumbs,” Grimmjow deadpanned.

  
Even as you tugged him inside your room you were still laughing.

  
He protested and spewed profanities at you, but he never once used his claws or teeth to dig into your flesh. Thus he dropped on top of you, knocking the air clean out of your lungs.

  
Suddenly you fell silent and so did he; a weird tension between you as if there were words that needed saying, right now, right here.

  
“You never asked how I made it out,” Grimmjow grumbled and folded his paws on your chest to rest his chin on.

  
You wanted to reach out and touch his head but you were not brave enough yet. In a while, maybe.

  
“I’ll wait till you’re ready to tell me,” you explained and smiled wryly, “I didn’t want to pry.”

  
“You’re a fool,” Grimmjow replied.

  
He averted his eyes and dropped his head onto your chest. Cats did not blush but you were sure that his humanoid self would have been embarrassed.

  
“Yeah,” you agreed and chuckled, “Guess that’s true.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m proud of you,” your father said and dodged your kick easily, “However, I do feel like you are hiding something from me.”

  
His choice of words told you there was something he knew, at the very least it showed he was suspicious already and had to have gotten a hint from someone.

  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you answered and stepped backwards until the table was between the two of you, just in case your father decided to attack you once more. Visored or not, you were not in the mood for a fight at 4 in the morning.

  
“My son, you cannot lie to me,” he scolded and the mirth in his voice quickly faded, “Urahara Kisuke informed me you have asked about the stray Arrancar that has been sensed in town.”

  
You cursed under your breath and forced yourself to recover immediately.

  
”Yeah, so what?” you asked, “I was curious if it had been caught yet. It seems to have been here for a couple months now.”

  
“Is that all it was?”

  
“Yes, of course, what if they needed my help?”

  
Isshin Kurosaki sighed and wiped a hand over his face. As your eyes met again he looked every inch the shinigami he used to be, no trace of the goofy man he usually was.

  
“I know you miss being a part of that world,” he said and you froze as if he had struck you, “But don’t lose yourself in it. Don’t chase after some Hollow instead of living your life.”

  
“I’m not!” you protested and slapped a hand on the table. Your fingers stung and you grimaced as the pain sunk in.

  
“I mean, how did you even get that idea, that’s ridiculous, I was just concerned about-”

  
“The day I first sensed it was the day you came home after that exam,” your father interrupted and frowned.

 

Anger seethed beneath the surface of your skin, a gruesome bubbling cauldron of rage that threatened to tip over.

  
“Fuck you,” you said and winced as the words left your mouth, “I knew you were disappointed but that’s no need to make me feel like shit with your accusations.”

  
It wasn’t fair but you felt like disagreeing with him for the sake of it; all the frustration piled up and festered needed an outlet.

  
“I’m going to sleep,” you snapped and stomped upstairs.

  
Only as you collapsed on your mattress you realized how childish that had been; how young the reasoning made you seem, how naively vindictive. Sometimes you forgot you were not a hundred years old. Sometimes you wished you could be more than human.

 

* * *

 

 

Grimmjow returned later that day; jumped in through your window like he had done the past week since you first allowed him inside.

  
As he saw you crumpled on the bed you were sure he would leave again; even so you were not shocked as he lowered his body beside you so that his strong back pressed against your side.

  
He was warm and smelled like rain. For the first time in a week you felt the confidence you needed to reach out and place your palm on his spine.

  
Grimmjow produced a rumbling sound in his throat and you started to rake your fingers through his soft fur. With every swipe the tension drained from his muscles until you could swear he was purring.

  
You laughed as he nudged you to scratch behind his ears and on the side of his head.

  
In the silvery light you first saw his scars; a curved one around his neck, a larger one that ran down his front. Those two you knew, those two were familiar. But then there were the ones on his throat and across his face, the one above his heart and the second, vertical slice across his torso.

 

* * *

 

 

_Before he gave his life he sacrificed his dignity once, you would say later._

  
_As the Quincy held him by the throat and slashed his face Grimmjow was quiet; not because it didn’t hurt and not because he wanted to impress you. For a minute you thought he was dead. Not yet, not yet._

  
_“Got you, little Hollow.”_

  
_A voice as cruel as the sky shown to a drowning man._

  
_Grimmjow did not speak because his throat was too tight to allow air in or out; crushed by large hands and crushed like a paper tower._

  
_Even as Rukia sliced the hand off that choked him the marks stayed. Would stay forever as a brand._

 

* * *

 

 

You swallowed the memory as you traced the marks with your fingers.

  
“You really are just a big cat,” you commented as he rolled over to expose his neck and stomach. There was no shame behind his actions, no inhibitions.

  
Grimmjow blinked up at you as you hesitated and licked across his top row of teeth.

  
Of course he stayed quiet even as you rubbed his belly, even as you wrapped your arms around him and breathed into his fur to calm down. Stroke after stroke he relaxed further until you weren’t sure if he was a separate soul or a silent part of yours.

  
By now you had learned he couldn’t speak sometimes; he hadn’t yet learned how to care for someone, how to properly accept the fact that you cared about him.

  
“I want to go back,” you muttered, “I don’t want to deal with this petty stuff when the world isn’t saved yet.”

  
Grimmjow kept purring as his eyes slid closed.

  
“Idiot,” he growled and his ears twitched, “You worry too much.”

 

* * *

 

 

The first one you told about Grimmjow was Karin. After all you had not much of a choice, what with her storming into your room in the morning seeing you cuddle with a gigantic white cat.

  
“What the hell is that?” she asked and took a step backwards while you were still busy rubbing your tired eyes.

  
“Wait-” you said weakly and scrambled out of bed to stop her from alerting the rest of your family, “I can explain-”

  
Karin carefully closed the door and leaned against it, her eyes signaled that you were in trouble. Even if she was younger and smaller than you there was something intimidating about her as she dared you to continue.

  
“Then explain,” she ordered you and lifted her eyebrows as the cat started to move, “Is this a bestiality thing?”

  
You sputtered and coughed and fell off the bed as your feet got tangled in the blanket. The ground collided with your head as you landed without grace.

  
“Be quiet,” Grimmjow muttered and stretched behind you, “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

  
You saw the look on Karin’s face change from irritation to absolute shock and the gears in her head clicked and rattled as you watched her come to a conclusion.

  
“He’s a Hollow,” she gasped and pointed at him, “Oh my- Ichi, is he the one everyone was talking about? The Adjuchas? You’re sleeping with the Adjuchas?”

  
“It’s not like that!” you protested and climbed to your feet.

  
“You wound me,” Grimmjow growled behind you and yawned audibly as he got up and jumped off your bed.

  
“You be quiet!”

  
He ignored your demand and strode over to where Karin stood, meeting her defiant eyes.

  
“You’re a Kurosaki, too,” he said and sat down on his haunches, “The brat talked about you and your sister.”

  
“And you’re a Hollow.”

  
“Correct,” Grimmjow said and sounded amused.

  
They stared each other down for a while and you were worried one of them might try to wrestle the other to death any second.

  
“Did you help Ichi when he fought the Quincy?” Karin asked, then.

  
“I fought the Quincy,” Grimmjow replied and cocked his head, “But I fought them on my own terms, for myself.”

  
Your sister nodded and looked up at you.

  
“He’s the one who died, isn’t he?” she asked, “The one that protected you.”

  
It was something you had not talked about an awful lot; neither with your family nor with the Arrancar in question. So bringing it out in the open like this, with no one to mediate and nothing to evade to was scarier than you liked to admit.

  
“Yeah,” you said with a scratchy throat and avoided looking at the Hollow, “His name is Grimmjow.”

  
Then you paused and took a deep breath. Words left unsaid. Reading between the lines. Maybe you were past that.

  
“He’s my friend,” you said.

 

 

* * *

 


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they grow up so fast, man, feel like it was yesterday I published this, man, what the fuck, man
> 
> Thanks to those awesome people who reassured me they wanted to keep reading this, thanks to those reading silently, thanks to Cryaotic for playing Final Fantasy 7 so I got sth to watch while writing and thanks to myself for actually remembering it is Monday
> 
> I hope you enjoy and don't tell me I am "literally Satan". (I've heard that three times now and I am beginning to be flattered)

* * *

 

 

“Oh, Kurosaki, thank you for honoring us with your presence.”

  
Your professor shushed you as you tried to explain and pointed at the unoccupied desk that had started to collect dust. This lecture was the one you had skipped the most and it happened to be the one that had the least attendance rate in general.

Unfortunately for you that meant the professor had bothered to learn names and connect them to faces.

  
Your sheepish smile did not deter her and she observed you sternly as you made your way to your seat. There were a few familiar faces in the rows, but your steps led you in the opposite direction and you ended up by yourself.

  
That was, fine, though. You were feeling more confident and less dissatisfied with your life right now; you would have to thank Grimmjow for that when you got the chance.

  
However, you could not allow yourself to daydream or contemplate anything besides the functional human anatomy you were told about right this very second.

  
The world had not ended with your failed exam. It had not ended with the loss of your power.

  
“A connection,” you wrote down after listening for a while, “Intense and electric and infinite.”

  
You smiled at your own thoughts and focused back on the structure of neurons.

 

* * *

 

 

Orihime gasped and pressed her hands to her mouth to stifle the sound immediately.

  
“Yeah, same here,” you said and sighed before you carefully lowered yourself onto the floor across from her.

  
Even as you stumbled a little and almost fell over your own feet because you were dead tired you were not embarrassed. Orihime was focused on something else entirely.

  
“I-” she stuttered and her eyes widened even further, “This was not what I expected when you told me you wanted to introduce me to someone.”

  
Grimmjow produced an amused sound in his throat as he trailed behind you, his confident strides slowed as if a gigantic pressure pushed him down. Orihime seemed to misinterpret his growl and tensed up immediately. You could see how she shuffled backwards just the slightest bit. As she realized you were watching she shot you a helpless glance.

  
“Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you,” you assured her.

  
Grimmjow grunted and brushed against your back as he surveyed the room, steps still weirdly cautious and restrained. You wondered if he was nervous.

  
“So, uh, this is your pet?” Orihime asked and her voice trembled slightly. She swallowed and cleared her throat before she continued.

  
“It’s nice to meet you.”

  
You furrowed your brow and something inside your chest constricted. She didn’t recognize him at all; it was incomprehensible to you. After all it had been so obvious to you from the very first second you saw the proud cat- the eyes alone gave him away.

  
“He’s a Hollow, isn’t he?” Orihime asked you and you noticed how her eyes desperately avoided the cat in question.

  
Grimmjow huffed.

  
You didn’t expect his reiatsu to flare and once it did it was too late for you to intervene. All you saw was a flash of white as he jumped and landed right in front of Orihime, his paws quiet on the soft floor.

  
She did not scream, did not even flinch. You could see she was scared, of course she was, but it was different from the blind panic that you expected.

  
Worry crept up on you, promises and codes of honors forgotten for the instance that the two stared at each others.

  
“More than a Hollow,” Grimmjow growled and his voice sent shivers down your spine. On your side or not, he could be scary if he wanted to.

  
Orihime blinked as the confusion became more and more evident on her face. However, the second she heard the familiar voice coming from the panther the tension vanished from her body.

  
“No,” she whispered in awe and looked over at you as if to confirm her suspicious, “It can’t be-”

  
“It’s really him,” you told her, “I made sure.”

  
Orihime shook her head, rubbed her nose, blinked again until her eyes started to grow teary from the strain.

  
You were caught off guard as she began to cry. Small sobs racked her body and before long she wrapped her arms around Grimmjow’s neck and buried her face in his fur.

  
You didn’t need to see his expression to understand the shock he felt.

  
“I tried to heal you,” Orihime managed to say and her voice was raw and so full of hurt you winced. With her smiles and her honest concern you forgot she hid her own pain well most of the time.

  
“I tried to heal you when you were dying,” she continued and her hands trembled, “But you just faded away, just like that, right beneath my fingertips, you just-”

  
She couldn’t continue and you remembered well why that was.

  
Sora Inoue had faded like that. Ulquiorra had, as well, right there in front of her, her powers useless and too late.

  
Grimmjow was quiet, but you could feel the steady pulse of his reiatsu like a second heartbeat. He had not been there to watch himself die.

 

* * *

 

 

_Nel cried, a sound you would not forget for a while._

  
_Your last words were another._

  
_“You said you can’t die before you killed me” was all you had managed to say, nothing about trust or loneliness or the wish for companionship. It had never been enough and there was nothing to misunderstand; for once it had not been the right words, too little and too late._

  
_Over Nel’s cries you could hear Inoue mumble, the same sentence over and over._

  
_”I was right here,” she muttered and her fingernails left bloody crescent marks on her palm, “I can’t even save the people right in front of me.”_

  
_You swallowed and swallowed but the lump in your throat never vanished._

  
_“I was right here,” Inoue said._

 

* * *

 

 

“You look happier now, Ichi,” Yuzu said that night at dinner. She chuckled as you muttered a dismissive reply around a mouthful of food.

  
Karin snorted and pushed what she had on her plate around. Even if you knew she wouldn’t tell the others what she had seen a cold feeling of dread tingled down your spine as she lifted her eyebrows at you. It was excellent blackmail material, knowing your brother was friends with one of Aizen’s Arrancar.

  
Your father saved you from the horror you experienced by offering you another.

  
“Has my son finally grown up?” he cried and promptly launched into a tear-filled rant about the beauty of youth. After you had seen his other side it was strange to accept the silly facade again.

  
So you let him talk and chewed to avoid answering any questions. Your family had gone easy on you about your university situation, even cheered you up when they realized you were not as confident as you used to be. They accepted your friends into your crazy little crowd; that was how it had always been.

  
“Is there anything you’re not telling us?” Yuzu asked and sounded so sad you almost blurted out everything you knew, including embarrassing secrets from when you were nine.

  
“I need to study,” you mumbled and got up, “Sorry.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I want to restore all of this to what it used to be,” Inoue said and Grimmjow watched as she gestured to the tips of the ruined towers in the distance.

  
“It’s dead,” he said and sat down at her side, “There’s nothing to restore.”

  
Hueco Mundo was as desolate as a slate, wiped clean and untainted. After the Quincy used all it had to offer there was not much to built a life on. After all, sand and bones did not make for a pleasant foundation.

Grimmjow was tired and he was resigned and he missed this; missed it more than he would ever allow anyone to realize. A well that dried out and a creature in front of it dying of thirst.

  
“We need to go back,” he muttered and coughed with a ruined throat, “I can’t stay here for long or I’ll suffocate.”

  
Inoue turned around and looked at him with a determination he had never seen in her eyes.

  
“I promise you,” she said and followed him with confident steps, “I will reject all destruction.”

  
Grimmjow looked up at her and wondered, wondered why that sounded like a certainty.

 

* * *

 

 

Karin followed you upstairs.

  
“So what’s the plan?” she asked and sat on your bed, “When will you tell them about your furry boyfriend?”

  
The sound that left your mouth was choked and yet you could see your sister light up immediately.

  
“Don’t ever say that again,” you managed to say as you stopped coughing, “Everything about that was horrendous.”

  
Karin bounced on her heels and looked entirely too smug for your liking.

  
“So? Are you just gonna avoid the issue?”

  
“There’s nothing to tell. It isn’t like Yuzu could see him, you know. And for all I know he isn’t here to stay,” you replied, “I don’t think it’s a good idea. The more people know he is alive the more likely he is to be put on trial in the end.”

  
“For what? Helping you?”

  
“You don’t know what they’re like. Being a Hollow is punishable by death in itself.”

  
Karin shrugged.

  
“Why are you so interested in him anyway?” you asked, “I mean, we’ve established he isn’t going to be a threat, you don’t need to worry about that-”

  
“No, but I am worried about you,” she snapped and crossed her arms over her chest.

  
You were stunned into silence and felt like it was you who was younger and smaller; as if she had suddenly decided she was the one who needed to protect you.

  
“Yuzu was right,” Karin said, “You really do look happier. And even if you deny that to your dying breath we both know it’s because of that Arrancar. I don’t have to understand why he helps you so much or why you’re so worried about someone who tried to kill you. All I need to know is that you are happy now and that means he has to stay. So, like, get over yourself already and tell the others.”

  
With that she left and you stood in your doorway for a long time before you gathered the strength to move again.

 

* * *

 

 

“What does Hueco Mundo mean to you?”

  
It was a simple question that you knew he would have no simple answer to. Maybe that was the reason you asked in the first place; because despite the hope that twitched to life inside you there was still confusion left. It wasn’t fair on him and you felt that down to your very core.

  
Grimmjow looked at you with a neutral expression, one you had become accustomed to very quickly. After almost two months you knew what to expect from him; at the same time you felt like you knew nothing at all. So when you poked and you prodded at everything that even remotely seemed like a weakness then you could relate it back to a desire to know.

  
Grimmjow settled down next to you, his claws screeching across concrete. The roof was so high up you wondered if anyone could hear the sound. After all it was a miracle he had not been caught yet.

  
“Why are you asking me that?” he muttered and curled up beside you. There was blood on his paws and teeth, shining red and reminding you what had brought him here.

  
“Just curious,” you dismissed your first question, “What have you been hunting?”

  
“Humans,” Grimmjow answered and yawned, “All of them. The entire town’s gone.”

  
“That’s not a nice thing to do.”

  
“They did tell me it was rude,” he said and showed his teeth, “Too bad I’m a fucking savage with no restraint.”

  
His eyes fell shut as you placed your hand on his head. All these weeks ago you had expected him to want to fight above all things, but that was never the case. Whenever Grimmjow showed up around you he was already calm and not looking for bloodshed.

  
“There’s still Hollows around,” he explained and pressed his forehead against your palm, “They come to the human world now that there’s nothing left to feed on in Hueco Mundo.”

  
You took the shell of his ears between your fingers and rubbed them, scratched the soft fur behind them. At first you had thought it was strange that he allowed you to touch him like this, but with time you realized it was just another form of what you already knew. Grimmjow liked being paid attention to and this was a way to achieve that goal.

  
“When you were an Adjuchas the first time you needed to consume their spirit energy to evolve, right?” you asked and ran your fingertips down his neck, brushing soft fur to the side with each stroke.

  
Grimmjow hummed in the back of his throat and you smirked as he began to purr. It was something he denied vehemently whenever you asked about it; but former Arrancar or not, he was still originally a feline Hollow.

  
“Not devouring others means regressing to the Gillian state,” he confirmed.

  
You nodded and tried not to think about it. The thought of Hollows tearing their own kind apart disgusted you, but you were also aware that the alternative to cannibalism was death in their world.

  
“Is that the same now?” you asked suddenly, a thought that had popped into your mind for the first time, “Can that happen to you now?”

  
Grimmjow didn’t answer and looked up at you. As you studied the broad skull of his Hollow form, the fierceness of his animalistic side, another thought bothered you. It itched underneath your skin like an unpleasant rash.

  
“I want to fight you again,” you said. Out in the open the words sounded strange and the irony did not elude you.

  
Grimmjow lifted his head from his paws.

  
“Here?” he asked and stretched until his back arched, “Aren’t you worried about all those precious humans around?”

  
His light footsteps led him around you. It reminded you of the way domestic cats trailed after their owners, always seeking contact with the skin of their legs.

  
Grimmjow rubbed his head against your shoulder as he passed you, an unmistakably affectionate gesture. Then again you had assured him you were a friend of his; maybe your surprise was unwarranted.

  
“Not like this,” you said.

  
Grimmjow tensed and even if you knew there was no need for further explanations you needed to voice what irked you.

  
“I want to fight you as you. As an Arrancar.”

  
“This is me,” Grimmjow growled and the warmth of his presence vanished from your side, “What, that ain’t enough for you? You wanna fuck me or something, Kurosaki?”

  
You sighed and got up, his judging eyes staring holes into your back. Another irony.

  
“An Arrancar can’t regress, right?” you asked.

  
His anger, burning bright and hot before, ceased to exist so abruptly that you felt the lack of murderous reiatsu as a cold feeling in your chest.

  
As you turned around Grimmjow was gone.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hueco Mundo’s recovering,” Rukia told you as she tugged you away from the family dinner, her fingers around your wrist and her steps swifter than ever.

  
She led you up on the roof where no one could listen in on what you talked about. There were vivid scars in the sky high above your head; lines of stars and unidentifiable things that you wanted to dream about visiting.

  
“So it isn’t dead?”

  
“It’s an entire world, idiot,” Rukia laughed, “Of course it isn’t dead. Before you know it there’ll be new Hollows and threats in those ruins.”

  
After a second of honest relief you questioned yourself: why were you happy? Why did it please you to hear that the world of Hollows was restored?

  
“It restores the balance,” Rukia helped you out, “And maybe, just maybe, we all learned something after the whole Quincy ordeal. That not all Hollows are the same and some of them might not have to be killed.”

  
You thought of Nel and her brothers, Harribel and the Privaron you fought. Of Sora Inoue and the second Loly was crushed by Yammy for helping Orihime. Maybe, just maybe, there was something true about what Rukia said.

  
“That doesn’t mean we can just let them do what they want,” she continued and shrugged, “But the Arrancar might have a chance, you know.”

  
You looked up at the stars and their infinite numbers. If someone liked to compare them to spirits you would not disagree.

  
“Are you feeling better now?” Rukia asked as she sat down, “About being human and ending the war?”

  
You were lost in thought until she nudged you with her shoulder.

  
“Oy, don’t space out on me,” she protested.

  
“I still don’t like it,” you said and shrugged, “But I guess it isn’t as bad as I thought.”

  
“You’re complaining again.”

  
You took a deep breath and closed your eyes to the night. The air was crisp and cold, refreshing and repellent. Despite the fact that Rukia was like snow you had never felt this way with her. By now you were sure that cold was not a word you would ever associate with her again.

  
“The Adjuchas is still in town,” you confessed and didn’t dare to look at her.

  
“I know,” she replied and her voice was laced with amusement, “Did you really think we wouldn’t realize? I can sense traces of its reiatsu around here, as well.”

  
You clenched your fingers against the tiles beneath you, a reflex that was difficult to abandon.

  
“I’ll explain it to you soon,” you said, “I promise.”

  
“Yeah,” Rukia replied and smiled crookedly, “You better.”

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re a strange one, aren’t you?” Urahara mused, “Who would have thought?”

  
He received no reply, but it was not in his nature to give up so easily once he had found an opening. His enemies feared what his allies appreciated.

  
“You know, when I first found you back in that desert I was sure you would betray us sooner or later,” he chuckled and rubbed his stubbly chin, “I hoped you would get yourself killed, but look at you now. Almost like that Nel girl.”

  
“I’m nothing like that brat,” Grimmjow hissed and shifted closer to the door. Without the dangerous vibe he emitted aside from his reiatsu he could have been mistaken for an actual animal; weirdly colored, maybe, but not unnatural.

  
“If you say so,” Urahara answered in a sing-song tone and beckoned the cat to come closer to the center of the room. Claustrophobia might not have been a Hollow trait, but it was definitely something Grimmjow exhibited. A tendency to press his body into corners gave him away, as if such a simple trick could actually help expanding the limits of a room. Urahara could have comforted the Hollow, but he sensed that such an action would only be taken the wrong way.

  
As he worked on the contraption before him he decided to try again; slash deeper this time, maybe leave a mark.

  
“You both love Kurosaki, don’t you? In one way or another,” he said and chuckled, “That is a similarity at least, wouldn’t you say?”

  
What he expected was sarcasm, denial, outright anger.

  
“Shut it,” was all Grimmjow said, the malice behind his words born of something less than rage. It didn’t feel like anger at all; what the Hollow felt was more controlled and calmer than he had ever seen him.

  
Urahara wondered what had changed, but the answer was so simple that he didn’t bother evaluating it.

  
“Does he know?”

  
Grimmjow stayed quiet again, his tail swishing from one side to another as he grudgingly approached the mechanism in the middle of the room. The air was thick with a reiatsu that set both of them on edge. Unease was brought into the world by artificial means and suddenly Urahara was not so sure about what he was about to do.

  
“Grimmjow, does he know? Does he realize what you are doing here?” he asked and tried to meet the Hollow’s eyes. Blue, so very blue.

  
“I never told him,” Grimmjow answered and there was no fear in his words.

  
Urahara laughed. This time it did not sound mocking.

  
“My, my. And you say you possess no heart,” he teased and readied the blade by his side.

  
A second of silence. A shaking breath. Claws on a wooden floor.

  
“This might hurt,” Urahara said.

  
His smile faded as he brought it down on the Hollow, rapidly. There were no questions to be asked, no further consent to be given. They had talked about it in detail.

  
Grimmjow howled in pain as armor was broken and bones snapped out of place. His screams were silenced soon enough.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send me hatemail on tumblr.com


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost forgot to add weird chapter notes look at these life choices
> 
> so yes I hope this is below a 5 on the hurt scale and y'all don't wanna murder me again (your lawyer will never find me)

 

* * *

 

 

Urahara called an hour after midnight.

  
”What the hell do you want at this-” you snapped as you picked up. The light of your phone stung in your eyes and your head was still drowsy with sleep.

  
“Kurosaki-san,” the shopkeeper drawled, “You should really come over right now.”

  
“Why the fuck would I wanna do that?” you asked and wiped a hand over your face, “I’m really not in the mood for this right now.”

  
Urahara huffed out a laugh, but it did not sound teasing anymore. Maybe it was your natural predisposition for worrying or the change in his voice, but all off a sudden you felt more awake than you had in a week.

  
“A friend of yours needs your help,” Urahara said, “I would advise you to come over immediately.”

  
“What do you mean?” you asked and could not keep the concern out of your voice, “What happened?”

  
There was no reply for a while and you contemplated hanging up and passing it off as a prank. However, there was still that underlying suspicion that kept you on your guard. With Urahara you could never know if his joke hid a prediction of a possible worst case scenario.

  
“What happened?” he repeated slowly and snickered again, “Why don’t you come find out if you’re so interested?”

  
“Listen, you piece of-” you began.

  
The line went dead and the dial tone interrupted your rant.

  
With your feet tangled in the blanket and your hair sticking out at odd angles you were far from prepared to go outside. However, as you leaned back onto the soft pillows and closed your eyes all you heard was that last question, that last provocation.

  
“Damn you,” you cursed and swung your legs over the edge of your mattress with a groan.

  
Urahara would pay for this.

 

* * *

 

 

“I swear, if you were making fun of me,” you greeted Urahara as he opened the front door for you. You were ready to continue as you first had a moment to take in his expression.

  
He was smiling, but it seemed tense and wry compared to the usual know-it-all grin. Guilt overcame you faster than you could close your mouth and swallow all accusations.

  
“Follow me,” Urahara said and waved at you, “We should hurry.”

  
“What do you mean? What is gonna happen if we don’t hurry? Is this a life-or-death situation?” you asked as you stepped through the doors and moved past the dark shelves and ominous heaps of questionable items.

  
“No,” Urahara answered and slid open a door to a backroom, “He isn’t dying. In fact, he is dead already.”

  
Despite what people tended to say about you you could be very perceptive; you had to be after all those battles that could have cost the world everything if you failed. In this second, however, you realized that you should have known this would happen. It was so obvious, so horrendously predictable and yet you never even considered it once.

  
“Why-” you said and choked, “Why is he-?”

  
Your throat felt tight and raw. Lungs? Overrated. A heart? Beat too fast.

  
You choked and choked again. There seemed to be too much blood in your head, in your throat, in that empty spot inside your chest. Like that moment when the Quincy sword was about to get a hold of you; that panic that spread only when the tip of a blade rested on your weak flesh.

  
Urahara touched your shoulder and pulled you back where you belonged; in a human body, a human mind.

  
“Don’t you think there is something you should do?” he asked and behind the gentleness lay a demand, “Don’t you think there is something you should say? He asked for you, you know.”

  
Shame washed over you. If you were shell-shocked and hurting over what had happened that day, that visual burned into your retinas forever, then how-

  
“Kurosaki,” Urahara said and this time you could clearly discern the urgent tone, “Please don’t wait any longer.”

  
With that he took a step backwards and no longer obstructed your view. You took a deep breath and slowly, carefully, one slow movement at a time, made your way over to the other side of the room.

  
Grimmjow looked like a corpse where he sat pressed against the wall. A human one, but still a corpse; and in the instant you saw him you wished you had never asked him to change back. There was no explanation needed, it was obvious that was what he had done, not even three days after you had asked him to fight you.

  
Now his naked body was there before you, curled up like a cornered animal with his back close to the wall. His hands were curled in the wooden panels themselves, blunt nails bleeding and fingers twisted beyond the capabilities of a humanoid skeleton.

  
Even with your depleted power you could sense the turmoil in his soul, the rapid beating of his heart and his strangled breaths.

  
“You broke his mask,” you said and didn’t take your eyes off the shivering Arrancar.

  
Urahara produced an affirmative noise.

  
“It hurts worse the second time around, but he insisted. I assume you didn’t know about it at all?”

  
“No, I-” you said and pressed your palm against your mouth, “We talked about it a few days ago, I wondered if it was possible but I never thought-”

  
Grimmjow moaned low in his throat. His jaw scraped across the wooden walls to his sides and he clenched his mangled fists further into whatever he could reach. As he shifted you could see the hole in his stomach; it still spread and ate away at his flesh until it reached its usual size.

  
Those blue eyes were empty, unfocused. A true Hollow.

  
“Come on,” Urahara urged you again, “Go to him. You are friends, aren’t you?”

  
“I don’t know, I-”

  
“Well, he seemed to think so. So what’s stopping you?”

  
You bit your lip so hard it drew blood. That was an excellent question, your mind supplied unhelpfully, what was stopping you? Your insecurities? Your pride? Your disdain for Hollows?

  
“I don’t know,” you said and shook your head, “It’s different. It was easier with him as a cat. Easier to-”

  
You broke up again and cleared your throat.

  
“Easier to get close to him,” you admitted, “Trusting an animal is easier than trusting a human.”

  
Urahara sighed and slapped the back of your head with his cane. The pain was so dull you didn’t even protest.

  
“This is still the same person,” he scolded you, “Don’t be an idiot now, Kurosaki. Hollows don’t just trust humans just like that; don’t let it go to waste.”

  
His fingertips touched your shoulders. What you mistook for a gentle touch meant to give you comfort was actually just the basis Urahara needed to shove you forward.

  
You stumbled and found yourself on your knees right in front of Grimmjow.

  
“Shit,” you said as you let your eyes roam over his body, “Reckless bastard.”

  
Considering how much time you spent with him it was strange how severe the tremors in your fingers were as you reached out to touch his shoulder.

  
“Hey,” you called out softly, “Can you hear me?”

  
Grimmjow’s eyes were still dead, still gone. Sweat covered his skin and as you brushed your fingers against his neck you flinched at how hot it was.

  
“He’s burning up,” you called over your shoulder, “Is this supposed to happen? Is this normal?”

  
Urahara sighed.

  
“It isn’t like I have done this before,” he said, “You will just have to rely on the power of friendship and love to save him.”

  
You flipped him off without ever turning around, examining the state of Grimmjow’s mouth. His lips were parted and you could see his throat and gums were bright red.

  
“Get me a blanket and a glass of water,” you ordered Urahara, “His throat is swollen shut, he might have trouble breathing.”

  
Grimmjow didn’t react to any of your attempts to get his attention while you waited. Speaking to him didn’t work, neither did loud noises or a slap to the face.

  
Sooner than you’d like Urahara returned and handed you what you had asked for without complaints.

  
“Could you leave us alone?” you asked him and looked up at him.

  
“Stop it with the puppy eyes, Kurosaki,” came the irritated answer, “Remember I took care of Grimmjow while you were still out in the world hunting for Quincy.”

  
It was true; you tended to forget that Urahara had been the one to offer shelter to the Arrancar before they helped you infiltrate the Soul King palace. Jealousy was not becoming of someone who wanted to save the world; yet you experienced its familiar sting.

You desired to protect them, all of them, irrational as it may be.

  
“Stay if you need to,” Urahara said and smirked, “And keep it down, will you?”

  
“Thanks,” you replied and ignored the teasing comment; what was important was the invitation to stay. You didn’t take his support for granted.

  
Then you turned back to Grimmjow and placed the glass of water at your side for the time being. Your fingers curled in the blanket and you hesitated for a second before you reached to wrap it around the Arrancar shivering in front of you. It was a moment of weakness and you felt honored he trusted you with it.

  
“Shh,” you said as Grimmjow gasped for air and reached for his fingers. After you tugged them free from the walls you closed them around the edges of the blanket. Soon he was wrapped up, his chin resting on his knuckles. All that was left uncovered were his face and his toes.

  
“I shouldn’t have asked that of you,” you sighed. You reached out to touch his head like you did before, to run your fingers through his hair and over the sides of his face. In the middle of the motion you paused and dropped your hand into your lap. Suddenly it wasn’t as easy anymore.

  
Grimmjow groaned and rubbed his jaw against the wall, over and over as if to scratch an itch beneath the mask. Only as you saw blood leak from his cheek did you grasp his shoulder.

  
“Stop it,” you muttered and resignation found its way into your voice, “Don’t hurt yourself, idiot.”

  
His breathing sped up and there was nothing you could do; nothing except the words that poured from your mouth. Morning came and you couldn’t feel your fingers anymore; the wooden floor had left indentations on your knees.

  
“Fuck you,” Grimmjow said as the first rays of sunlight reached him. His voice was rough and tired, but those words were the first thing he said to you since you asked him to become an Arrancar once more. Nimble fingers reach out to pick up the glass of water. After he forced gulps of the liquid down his throat it burst between his fingertips.

  
Had you known how to treat him outside of his Hollow skin you would have pulled him close, told him that you never meant to see him hurt. Not anymore. Not since nightly walks and those scars that spanned over his face and neck.

  
“I hate you,” Grimmjow said and sneered as he leaned his head against the wall.

  
You had seen him lie before.

  
This was not what it looked like.

 

* * *

 

 

“I need to tell you something,” you said that evening as your family sat around the kitchen table. Rukia and Renji were around, too, the looks they gave you curious. Only Karin knew what was going on; or at least she seemed to have a hunch.

  
“About time,” your father muttered into his food, the words barely intelligible. Yuzu scolded him for his table manners before he could finish his sentence.

  
“So?” Renji asked and leaned forward onto the table, “What is this about?”

  
You knew he was not quite comfortable being here, even if he had visited you frequently for a while now. Since Chad had left he had been your best friend; even if you would never admit it you hoped he could be more at ease around your family in the future.

If anything you wanted them to stay throughout your boring human life. That was the least they could do for you, you would tell them jokingly.

  
“It’s about the Hollow that was in town a few weeks ago,” Karin mumbled and avoided everyone’s eyes, “What, I’m just making sure he actually tells you.”

  
You scratched your head and wondered for the millionth time if this was the right choice. But for the millionth time you realized that if you wanted to make this work you needed the assistance of these people you held dear. It was time they learned the truth.

  
“I’ve been meeting with him,” you said and pushed the food around on your plate, “Ever since you told me.”

  
“What?” your father asked at the same time that Rukia gasped. It seemed like she made the connection.

  
“Ichigo-” she started and looked worried, “This isn’t about the Espada again, right?”

  
“The _Espada_?” your father asked and sounded like he was choking.

  
For a moment you let yourself be deterred again- what if they were right what if it was never real what if you had not made it out there unscathed- but it did not last long.

  
“Grimmjow is alive,” you said with determination and gestured at your sister, “Karin saw him too. Right? Tell them.”

  
She shifted on her chair and shrugged.

  
“I saw a Hollow, at the very least. Pretty powerful, looked like a cat.”

  
“Yes, but she doesn’t even know him in the first place,” Renji said and sighed, “It could have been anyone-”

  
“Why are you so against this? Isn’t my word enough?”

  
“We saw him die,” Rukia stressed, “We saw how he turned into dust. None of them has come back from that, not without help. And believe me, I asked everyone who could have brought him back, they know thing about anything like that. So what if it’s an impostor? Have you ever thought about that?”

  
Another in the skin of that creature you had dragged back with you after it had tried to die by your hands, another in the skin of the one who finally saved your life. It was a scary thought, one you hated to entertain even for their sake.

  
This time the doubt did not reach quite as deep.

  
“He came back as an Adjuchas,” you explained and tapped your fingers on the table, “So yeah, I could have been wrong about this.”

  
Silence, all eyes on you.

  
“Urahara broke his mask,” you added and smiled wryly, “He’s an Arrancar now. It’s him, no doubt about it.”

  
Once more you were met with silence.

  
“How?” Rukia asked seconds later, astonished and suspicious, “Since when does he know how to do that? Doesn’t he need the Hogyoku for that?”

  
“Impossible,” Renji told her, “That was fused with Aizen when he was disintegrated, there’s no way Urahara kept it after that. Hell, I’d be surprised if the thing even still exists.”

  
They bickered and theorized and you were nothing but exhausted by their talk and the difficulties they painted across what you felt was an accomplishment.

  
Your father cleared his throat and tapped his fingers on the table.

  
”A word, son,” he said and got up.

  
Yuzu’s sad eyes did not deter you; this time you knew you would get more from this conversations than just childish shenanigans.

  
It was so warm in the house that your cheeks burned and the tips of your fingers tingled. Besides the temperature there was still the excitement in your veins like a foreign poison. It coursed and quivered until you had trouble standing still.

  
“There is more to this, isn’t there?” your father asked as soon as the others could not hear you anymore.

  
“Yeah,” you confessed and rubbed your neck, “There is one more thing.”

  
“Out with it, then.”

  
You smiled sheepishly and the laugh that wrangled free from your throat was nervous enough to raise his suspicion considerably.

  
“Grimmjow,” you began and your ears burned, “You know, the Espada?”

  
“Yes,” Isshin Kurosaki said slowly and frowned, “What about him?”

  
You pressed your palms against your eyes and exhaled.

  
“He’s upstairs,” you muttered, “I offered him a place to stay.”

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vague noises of approval are to be left down below


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient with me, I am glad so many people enjoy this story and stay along for the ride. I like calling it that. Like we're in Mad MAx and driving cool rusty trucks through the wasteland. Nice.
> 
> We're kinda getting to the main part here, exciting, eh?

* * *

 

 

Grimmjow lifted the bowl to his lips. Ignoring the laughter at his side he sniffed and eventually poked the tip of his tongue out to dip it into the liquid.

  
“Be careful, it’s very hot,” Urahara said not without mirth, settling down on the floor of his back room. His sandals clicked together and his chin rested on his cane as he observed his guest.

  
Grimmjow did not feel a thing as he swallowed the drink he had been offered; a special brew meant to help him. Help how, he asked himself, help who?

  
“Kurosaki thinks you are with him, doesn’t he?” Urahara asked.

  
Grimmjow stayed quiet and tugged the warm cloak tighter around himself with one hand. It reached up to his chin and covered his neck and shoulders with fabric formed like a scarf. Even with a fever his insides felt cold and misplaced.

  
“Do you remember the day you first came here?”

  
It was a sentimental question and Grimmjow felt stupid to want to recall exactly how he had stumbled into the shop after an enemy injured him so badly he went blind for a day. Yoruichi caught his fall back then, lowered him to the floor and its wooden smell.

Back then the anger was still bleeding into the spaces between organs, ravaged the vulnerable skin and the void of his Hollow hole.

  
“I thought I would have to kill you back then,” Urahara continued and smirked, “I thought that once the Quincy were down you would strive to take their place.”

  
Grimmjow wondered if that had ever been the plan, even for a second. Somewhere between pacing around their camp in the desert and accompanying Nel on walks across lands it had lost its meaning.

  
“Then I saw you with Inoue,” Urahara mused and rubbed his chin, “And Nel and Kurosaki. You really are a strange one.”

  
Grimmjow let the rest of the liquid slide down his throat. Somewhere in his brain the warmth registered; but his body stayed cold and unresponsive. The fingers attached to his hands cramped and as he set down the mug.

  
“Why are you here, Grimmjow?” Urahara asked and his voice was not as exasperated as he attempted to make it sound. “I thought you would want to be with your knight in shining armor.”

  
“He has questions,” Grimmjow replied and scrunched up his nose, “Questions I can’t answer.”

  
“Such as?”

  
“How am I alive? How did I end up as an Adjuchas? Why did I jump that day?” he listed and tapped a finger against his jaw for every question, “Who the fuck cares in the first place?”

  
Urahara chuckled.

  
”Yes, I can see him do that,” he agreed and hummed deep in thought, “But the pleasant your company might be, I am not the one you have a connection with.”

  
Grimmjow sneered and hid his face in the scarf. Kurosaki was a thought that left a bitter taste; the machinery inside his hollow torso ground down on his wishes until they crumbled.

  
“I feel wrong,” he muttered and pressed a hand against the void in his stomach, “What the hell happened?”

  
“Nothing time can’t fix,” Urahara shrugged, “Come back for your dose and it’ll pass. Side effects were to be expected, after all.”

  
“Yeah,” Grimmjow said and thought of his voice as a separate entity as it wavered, “Of course.”

 

* * *

 

 

“My family knows you’re here now,” you sighed as you entered your room, “No pressure if you don’t wanna meet them, but-”

  
You fell silent instantly as you saw the room was empty. Fear shot through you like the prick of a vicious needle; it punctured the skin and sank deep beneath where it took root once more.

  
“Grimmjow?” you asked and stepped into the center of the room, “Shit, where-”

  
”Right here, Kurosaki,” the familiar voice greeted you.

  
You spun around and saw Grimmjow where he lounged inside your wardrobe, almost entirely hidden behind orderly stacks of clothes.

  
“You don’t need to hide,” you said and stuffed your useless hands into your pockets where they could tremble in peace, “They really do know now. So do the shinigami.”

  
“I see,” Grimmjow replied. Seconds passed and he showed no signs he wanted to leave his spot. All you could really see were his eyes, bright and questioning. Curiosity was a novel expression.

  
“Is there any particular reason why you are still in there?” you asked and couldn’t help smirking, “I mean, not that you can’t live in the wardrobe if you really want to, but I suggest you-”

  
Grimmjow slid the door shut from the inside and left you standing in your room with your mouth hanging open. You heard shuffling sounds and then nothing after that.

  
“Well, have it your way, princess,” you laughed and expected a grumbled reply. Nothing. Dead silence.

  
You felt stupid with your happiness and excitement bubbling inside of you, Before long you trotted over to your bed and laid down to sleep.

  
Your back was turned on the closet.

 

* * *

 

 

The first thing you did when you woke up was to check if Grimmjow was still there and still a person instead of a panther. However, he did not reply as you knocked on the closet door.

  
“Sorry,” you muttered and slid it open without his consent, “I need to know if something’s wrong.”

  
The space inside the wardrobe was empty, no trace of the Arrancar or his reiatsu. Losing your mind was a common fear and one that was warranted in your former line of business. Delusions like this were not the norm anymore, though, had not been for a long time. The last one you had encountered was torn to shreds with Aizen in an attempt to destroy the king of the Quincy.

  
Before the panic really set in you decided to check around the house; and even if Grimmjow was nowhere near that didn’t mean he was not alright. After all you offered him a place to stay, not a prison to be confined to.

  
Knowing that didn’t slow down your heart or lift the weight off your chest. Responsibility was a word you learned early and used often.

 

* * *

 

 

Grimmjow leaned his head back against the tiled wall and tried to keep his eyes closed for as long as he could. Human showers were strange, he mused and pressed his palms against his thighs.

  
Through the sounds of water dripping down his body and into the drain he could hear noises from outside. Voices, to be exact, hushed whispers not meant for his ears.

  
“Your friend is in there, Ichi,” one of the girls said, “But I couldn’t see him.”

  
“Yeah,” Kurosaki replied and sounded amused, “I should make him get a gigai for the time he spends here.”

  
“Gigai,” Grimmjow repeated quietly and thought of a grave.

  
The new emotion in his brain shifted his mind around like pieces of a puzzle; twisted things around like a child playing with a Rubik’s cube.

  
He looked down on his wet hands, his unscathed body. Water pooled around his ankles and he stared at the way his legs curved, the shape of his fingers when droplets coursed around the edges. They followed the path he led them on with his reiatsu, it simmered beneath the surface of the skin he had shed months ago.

  
Grimmjow bit his lips, gnawed on his tongue, sunk his nails into the delicate flesh of his flanks. Blood mingled with the endless stream even while the wounds closed. No effect, no impact. Just a futile effort.

  
“Shit,” he breathed out and his voice was too rough, too gentle. It hurt to inhale and every exhale was a relief until stars flitted across his vision and he sunk down against the wall, pressed into the corner of the shower.

  
Within the blink of an eye Grimmjow stood outside, time escaped him like sand through his fingers. There was a mirror in front of him and eyes staring back; too large, too blue, too troubled.

  
A scar ran across his throat, another stretched from one cheekbone to the other. His fingers traced them with care and choppy movements, over and over again.

 

* * *

 

 

“Gigais don’t work on Arrancar, Kurosaki,” Urahara told you with the biggest smile, “I am afraid you will have to describe your guests’ beauty to anyone who asks.”

  
“Save it,” you replied and sighed. It didn’t sit right with you to ask him of all people for advice, but you were at a loss.

  
“Could you somehow...,” you began and cleared your throat, “I mean, no offense, really, but could you somehow have fucked up the reverse Hollowfication process?”

  
“My, whatever do you mean?”

  
“I mean, Grimmjow is fine and all, but he just...”

  
“...doesn’t seem like himself?” Urahara finished your sentence and nodded, “Yes. I noticed.”

  
You clenched your fists at your side.

  
“Then help him, goddamnit. There is nothing I can do and I feel like shit, especially because I asked him to change in the first place.”

  
“Have you ever thought of telling him that?” Urahara asked and frowned, “And I am doing all I can. This will take time. If you weren’t ready to offer your help then maybe you should not have asked in the first place.”

  
After you stormed out of the shop and kicked a trash can with all the fury you could muster you realized he was right; as always. That didn’t mean you had any clue what to do.

 

* * *

 

 

“Well that’s definitely a step-up from last time,” Karin commented as Grimmjow sat down at your kitchen table with all the grace of his feline form.

  
It was the first time you heard him laugh since he reverted back to his Arrancar state; the sound warmed you from the inside out, a pleasant coil in your stomach.

  
Yuzu pouted and poked your side as if to tell you to hurry up and find a way for her to meet your guest.

  
On the other side of your table your father just frowned his way through the conversation; you couldn’t blame him for that.

  
“My son said you were an Espada,” he asked.

  
“Yeah,” Grimmjow replied without any hint of nervousness or guilt, “The Sixth. That was ages ago, though, and Aizen’s dead.”

  
“I am aware.”

  
Isshin crossed his arms over his chest and you watched as they had a silent staring contest. You could not help but sigh exasperatedly.

  
Karin rolled her eyes as well.

  
“Don’t be embarrassing,” she told your father, “And we all know he’s a Hollow, no need to rub it in anymore.”

  
Grimmjow tried in vain to hide his grin and you mentally noted down a reminder to thank Karin later.

  
It had been fifteen days since you brought him to your house and it had been awkward, to say the least. Grimmjow barely talked to you and spent most of the time either on the roof or locked up inside your closet. You were not sure how weakened he still was, but his reiatsu never strayed far from the clinic so you guessed that he had not recovered yet. You distracted yourself with work and studying; but his presence hung over you like a dark cloud. If anything you had thought becoming an Arrancar would make him happy.

  
“I was being civil,” your father protested and then focused back on his earlier target, “There must be a story behind all this and I am interested to hear it.”

  
Grimmjow shot you a glance and you would have laughed if the situation wasn’t such a mess. What a great story that would make for someone who hadn’t been there to witness it: he tried to kill you, tried to kill you, tried to kill you and then saved your ass.

To others it had to sound like madness.

  
“Gonna spare you the ugly details,” Grimmjow said and leaned back into his chair with a neutral expression, “That leaves the part where I walked through this door today.”

  
“Clever,” your father answered, “I’ll give you that much.”

  
The atmosphere was still hostile and you feared it could escalate any second.

  
Then Yuzu gasped at your side. Her eyes were wide as you turned to face her, her hands pressed to her mouth.

  
“I can see you!” she said and her smile widened until you feared it had to hurt, “I am so glad. Welcome to our place, Jaegerjaquez-san.”

  
All eyes were on her, on the naive kindness in her words. Karin was mildly annoyed but also touched even she hid it well. Your father beamed at his daughter and Grimmjow was... surprised.

  
“Why can she see you all off a sudden?” your father asked and the tiny spark of hope you had threatened to go out.

  
Grimmjow glanced at you again, just a quick look to the side and then he focused entirely on Isshin, his back pressed firmly against the chair and his arms crossed before his chest. As he spoke he placed his elbows on the table cloth.

  
“I’m weak right now,” he said and it was a fact, a statement, a confession. It sent shivers down your spine and your stomach lurched.

  
Your father was not convinced, as suspicious and wary as before.

  
“I have next to no powers right now and your daughter’s spiritual energy is just enough to pick up on weakened spirits if she concentrates,” Grimmjow continued, undeterred, “Even if I wanted to kill your family I couldn’t.”

  
Isshin blinked rapidly and appeared visibly dazed by the words. You hoped he could see beneath the apparent threat and identify it as what it was.

  
“You’re very honest,” your father said.

  
“Well, I’m not a liar,” Grimmjow replied and shrugged. You flinched at the way his shoulders did not move at once; as if he had no control over the motion itself.

  
“We’ll protect you until you’re stronger again,” Yuzu seized the moment to say, “Don’t worry.”

  
Somehow that changed the atmosphere; cleared the air of hostility for the moment. Your father smiled at her again and Grimmjow uncurled his fingers on the table’s surface.

  
You relaxed and your fear dispersed slowly. What they needed was patience and time to get used to the idea. Grimmjow himself was a foreign concept, something to adapt to. No one expected that to happen in a day.

  
One step at a time, maybe; one person like Yuzu at once.

 

* * *

 

 

Nel hugged you tight as you met her in a parking lot after your lectures ended for the day. Just like old times her fingers curled against the nape of your neck and you could swear that her voice wavered. Selfish intent or not, you did not want to see her cry.

The last time had been horrible enough; you would not soon forget it, just like Renji and many others.

  
“Ichigo,” she said and laughed her gleeful laugh, “It’s been a while. Way too long.”

  
“Yeah,” you said and returned her hug, “Couple months at least.”

  
Talking to her was nice; Nel was calm and honest and never once influenced by a misplaced sense of pride. On your way to the Quincy king she had given you comfort with her kind words and the occasional gentle touch to your shoulder. She had always trampled right over the expectations for an Arrancar, had taken them and picked them apart with gentle hands.

  
“Look at you,” she laughed now and held you at arm’s length by your shoulders, “You’ve grown all tall and handsome.”

  
The easy banter soothed you and the unrest that built in your soul, but there were words burning in your head that she needed to hear.

  
“You said there was something you need to tell me,” Nel said as she picked up on your serious mood, “Something you have to tell me in person.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“I need to tell you something,” Nel said and tugged you aside, away from the barrier that kept you confined within the small area, far away from the Quincy king you were meant to defeat._

  
_“What is it?” you asked._

  
_“Can we trust you?”_

  
_The question caught you entirely off guard and so did her sincere concern._

  
_“What do you mean? Of course you can trust me, I don’t-”_

  
_“Me and Grimmjow,” she reiterated and shook her head, “We’re placing a lot of trust in you, both of us. We’re asking you to keep Hueco Mundo safe even if the shinigami don’t want it to exist after all this is over.”_

  
_Not even a heartbeat passed._

  
_“Yes,” you said firmly, “I promise.”_

  
_Nel laughed and placed a hand on your cheek._

  
_“Orihime was right, you are too kind to lie about this. Don’t die for this promise, Ichigo.”_

 

* * *

 

 

You breathed in, breathed out. On the exhale you forced out all the memories of that day when Nel didn’t smile; when she bled and screamed and drenched your coat with tears.

  
Then you told her everything, her hands on your shoulders and the parking lot quiet and empty.

  
Her eyes widened with every word you said; you regretted each and every one of them as they tumbled from your traitorous lips. But even if it was a bad idea to tell her there was no way you could have lied to her face for another month.

  
Nel started to cry soon enough, but even with red-rimmed eyes and snot trailing down her face you could see her smile.

  
“Thank you,” she sobbed and laughed at once, “Thank you for telling me.”

  
You wondered why she cared so much, not for the first time. But as she kept laughing and clinging to you the regret faded from your mind; this was not a bad choice.

  
You repeated it as a mantra, forever, for once.

  
Not a bad choice.

  
“Too bad you can’t come to visit us,” you said and felt genuine sadness.

  
“What do you mean?”

  
Nel looked at you strangely.

  
“Well, you Arrancar can’t enter gigai and I don’t think my people would want to put up with more than one ghost in their house that no one can see,” you said and laughed.

  
She cocked her head at you.

  
“What are you talking about, silly?” she asked and smiled, “Gigai work just fine on us. I’ve worn one before.”

 

 

* * *

 


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday, GJ JJ. If he was a DJ he'd be DJ GJ JJ. 
> 
> Also, imagine I used these notes for something productive, such as thanking everyone for the support.
> 
> Man, I sure love cliffhangers.

* * *

 

 

“He’s all you ever talk about these days,” Renji teased you as you walked trough the lonesome streets of Karakura town at night. Rukia bumped her shoulder into your side and chuckled.

  
“Renji’s just nervous. I think he never really got over what happened before.”

  
For a second you thought it was a cruel joke; all those people who died, all the corpses at your feet and that last one, disintegrating right in front of you. Then you saw Renji’s blush and realized they were talking about something else entirely.

  
“What do you mean?” you asked and cursed as you almost tripped over your own feet in the dark.

  
The park was as good a place as any to meet someone; but even after spending so much time around these parts you still forgot to bring a light every time.

  
“Don’t tell him,” Renji grumbled, “He’d laugh.”

  
Rukia snickered and you were curious what could amuse her so much. Her brother was still in danger and whatever it was that could make her laugh now was something you wanted to know about at all cost.

  
However, you arrived at the familiar clearing close to the lake. Your unsteady steps had led you here without fail; now you just hoped that Grimmjow would keep his promise.

  
“We’re already pretty late,” Renji muttered, “And he’s gonna make us wait even longer? Typical.”

  
“Don’t flatter yourself.”

  
The deep voice startled you as much as your companions; there was no shred of reiatsu to be sensed around yet and no movement either.

  
As you followed it to its source you came to the conclusion that Grimmjow had not indeed turned invisible; but he blended well with the dark and hid his presence from unsuspecting eyes. Focusing on him helped; as you stared his silhouette took shape in the shadows. He lounged on a boulder with all the confidence of a king; his jacket had fur on its collar and somehow it made him look more feral than ever before. A predator, ready to pounce at any second. His arrogance was a welcome change from the apathy you had been shown lately.

  
“Well I’ll be damned,” Renji gasped and removed his hand from Zabimaru’s hilt, “It really is you.”

  
Grimmjow inclined his head and his stare passed over all of you, approving, searching.

  
“Should have known you two’d make it out,” he said and yawned, “Guess you’re not too bad for shinigami.”

  
You rolled your eyes as Rukia protested; it really was typical and at the same time so new to you. You had not expected to be able to see this again, not with the memory of Grimmjow dying so clear in your head.

  
In the end you stayed out of their conversation for the most part; it pleased you to listen and see how much even the shinigami appreciated this single casualty had been saved.

  
“What’s the Gotei saying?” you asked eventually, “Are they okay with this?”

  
“We didn’t tell them,” Rukia said and laughed, “And we all agree it should stay that way. Everyone who needs to know already does and we’re not risking anything beyond that.”

  
Grimmjow trailed after you once they had left, his eyes clouded. He was deep in thought and you let him be; the solace people found in his return was more valuable than any answer you could get at this point.

 

* * *

 

 

One morning you crawled out of bed to go the bathroom. It was still the middle of the night as far as the sun was concerned, all objects obscured and turned into their own negatives.

  
On the way back to your room you passed your sisters’- the door was not fully shut.

  
Out of a sudden impulse you pushed it open quietly, just to check if they were okay.

  
What you didn’t expect was to find Grimmjow collapsed on Karin’s bed, your sisters by his side. Yuzu had her hands curled in the long strands of blue hair and combed her fingers through it, over and over again.

  
The small digits disentangled every last knot and gently braided parts that no longer stuck together. She didn’t stop for the entire time you watched them in shock, one soft touch after another until the gentle purring sound reached you. A part of you was fascinated, another one ached to your very core. It hurt to see Grimmjow like this; allowing them in when he shut you out; in need of comfort you could not provide. It was a reflex, the urge to protect and keep everyone safe from all evil.

  
Karin didn’t move. You knew what she looked like when she had a nightmare and this was not it.

  
Yuzu kept on stroking the Arrancar’s hair even as you stumbled back outside, into your bed.

  
Sleep did not come as quickly as you hoped.

 

* * *

 

 

“Fight me,” Grimmjow said later that day as he followed you up to your room. His back was turned on you and before you flipped the light switch all you could see was his silhouette, an ethereal being caught in a finite moment.

  
Before you knew it there was a blade between his fingertips; he balanced it, judged its weight. It fit in his palm perfectly as he threw it upwards and caught it properly, all in one fluid motion. You had seen Pantera before, yet you couldn’t shake the feeling something was not quite the same.

  
“Now?” you asked.

  
“Now,” Grimmjow agreed and didn’t look at all before he jumped on your windowsill, sword tucked into his belt and hands stuffed into his pockets. Within the blink of an eye he was gone, outside to prepare for the battle he demanded.

  
You shuffled about for a moment, even if your fingers itched and your stomach churned. Excitement flowed through you, but it was accompanied by discomfort and the fear of an uncertain future. A fight had the potential to destroy everything you built up; not fighting would surely do so.

  
The shinigami badge felt too small in your palm as you swung out of the window and into the world.

  
Grimmjow waited for you up in the sky, a burst of reiatsu alerted you to his presence. While you approached him you had time to take in his appearance; it was so different from the first time you met. Back then you had fought high above Karakura town as well, you could not help but think back to those times.

  
Instead of the Espada get-up he was wearing some of your clothes; simple human things that had been too big for you.

  
“No releasing Pantera, okay?” you asked as you reached his level and stayed suspended in mid-air, “I’ll use nothing above my Bankai.”

  
“Have it your way,” Grimmjow replied and his lips twitched, “Isn’t like I couldn’t take you on.”

  
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” you teased and the sense of exhilaration that the prospect of a fight sent through you was so strong you shivered.

  
Grimmjow twisted around and brought his blade down on you without hesitation. During the attack on the Quincy you had found no time to study his fighting style in detail, but you knew for a fact that he had improved. It showed in his speed even now; you could match him just barely as he unleashed a barrage of strikes on you.

  
“Better watch out, Kurosaki,” he drawled.

  
He hooked Pantera behind your zanpakuto and used it as a handle to push himself upwards. All air was punched out of your lungs as he kicked down into your stomach, sending you flying into the city below.

  
It didn’t take you long to break your fall and retaliate; but you were used to fighting enemies with weapons, not hand-to-hand combat. Grimmjow combined both styles flawlessly and only as he used sonido to move behind you the similarities caught your eye.

  
“You trained with Yoruichi,” you commented and huffed out a laugh, “Should have known.”

  
Grimmjow clashed swords with you again and his lips morphed into a smirk for the first time since you started; you wondered if his pulse sped up as well, if he was giddy with excitement.

  
“Learned a thing or two,” he said and grunted as you pushed him back, “Didn’t have the chance to use it on you yet.”

  
_Because you died._ You didn’t say what was on your mind but somehow you believed he knew nonetheless.

  
“Don’t get distracted, Kurosaki,” Grimmjow snapped without malice, “We’re only just getting started!”

  
It felt like it had before, with the added bonus that it was no fight to the death. With time you had come to accept that you were meant for battle; living a human life seemed nice as an option for someone else, someone whose blood did not boil at the prospect of fighting.

  
Tensions pervaded every muscle in your body and you met your opponent slice for slice.

  
Grimmjow vaulted over you and knocked you over with the handle of his blade. As you tried to reach for it he tossed it over into his left hand and thrust it forward. Had you not dropped down immediately it would have pierced your arm.

  
However, there was no time to relax because Grimmjow was right behind you, following you down into the city. His reiatsu fluctuated immensely and you enjoyed the familiarity of it.

  
“Getsuga Tenshou!” you called and sent the wave of energy skywards.

  
Grimmjow’s eyes widened and he rolled over to the side in mid-air just in time to avoid the attack. However, he spent a second to long catching his breath.

  
Your smaller sword pierced his hand from above and plunged him into the space between buildings; you could see him hit the ground.

  
“I got two now, remember?” you laughed and dropped down meters away from him.

  
Grimmjow got up slowly and your laughter quickly faded. The wound in his palm wasn’t very severe; after all you had not meant to truly hurt him.

  
He stared at it like it was gone entirely; where you saw fingers he saw a stump, where you would apply bandages he would preserve a severed limb. Or at least that was what you saw on his face: a shock that you could not yet understand.

  
“Grimmjow?” you asked carefully.

  
He did not react, his eyes glued to the small trail of blood that ran down his wrist. Drop after drop splashed onto the asphalt.

  
The excitement was gone, you realized, had vanished into thin air the second his face went pale and his eyes wide. This was no trick, no stupid joke. Something was wrong and you wished you could understand. Instead you felt like you were chasing smoke, attempted to grasp incorporeal shadows that you could never catch.

  
“Hey,” you called out again, “Look at me, okay?”

  
Grimmjow blinked slowly and followed your command. His eyes looked like they hid galaxies, different worlds with fears of the creatures deep beneath endless seas. Something ancient, something incredibly old.

  
Grimmjow did not fall to his knees dramatically; when he fell it was silent, no warning, no discernible trigger. He fell like an inanimate object would.

  
You caught him before he hit the ground, your fingers clenched in the back of his shirt. Like a puppet with no strings attached, a corpse with a rudimentary heartbeat.

  
“Fuck!” you muttered and cradled his face, trying to reach him.

  
Grimmjow was gone, his eyes dead and his muscles slack. Only the breathing continued, the pulse and the warmth of his skin. A shell now, an artificial body, nothing but-

  
You pulled yourself together and heaved him up against you. Even with panic creeping into your every synapse you knew who to turn to in times like this.

 

* * *

 

 

Urahara’s snide comment died on his lips as he saw who you were dragging into his shop.

  
His movement pattern visibly changed; suddenly he was swift and efficient, every movement precise, every step taken with purpose.

  
“What happened?” he asked as you lowered Grimmjow to the ground in front of him. Your heart was beating out of tune and you wondered when you had last felt like this. There was no word for what Grimmjow was to you now.

  
“We fought and I cut his hand,” you said and tried to calm your voice, “The wound was very shallow but somehow he... He froze and didn’t reply anymore, it was like he was hypnotized or shocked. Then he just fell over, he was in the same condition as now.”

  
Urahara nodded solemnly and pressed his fingers against the skin below Grimmjow’s throat, spread them out on the marks of past torture.

  
”Can you do anything? What is this?” you asked and this time the fear bled through your questions. It didn’t matter now; you wanted answers, now.

  
“I’ve seen this before,” Urahara said and frowned.

  
“That’s good, right? That means you can reverse it.”

  
“I’m not sure,” he answered and sighed, “The last time the solution was very simple. Now, however-”

  
There was something there, something unexplained and bitter, a truth that you knew was gonna be hard to swallow. It was painted right across Urahara’s face; what silliness you had seen there before was now replaced by a blank slate, the face of the man who had once witnessed his friends go Hollow.

  
“What is going on?” you asked and felt anger rise, “Just tell me what happened and what you did!”

  
“It was different last time,” he said and exhaled audibly, “You won’t like it and he will despise me for telling you.”

  
It was strange what loyalty Urahara felt towards that one Arrancar, the rebel one, the one with no rules. You watched them and wondered if there was something you had missed, a connection that ran deeper than what you had first seen. You should not be jealous and yet you felt envy sting its way to the top of your skull, a burning line that ran up across your skin and into the flesh below.

  
“This isn’t the time for that,” you said and clenched your teeth until your jaw ached, “I’ll take the blame if you don’t want to get on his bad side, I just want him snap out of it, okay?”

  
Urahara looked at and cocked his head. It felt like he was studying you and your expressions so carefully he could write an essay on it.

  
“You’re right,” he said and sighed, “The much I hate to say it.”

  
You smiled and ignored his fingers on Grimmjow’s skin; his eyes on Grimmjow’s wounds.

  
“The first time this happened was when I asked him to enter a gigai,” Urahara explained, “It was nothing but a test and we were alone in the area. That was about a month after I rescued him for our cause.”

  
The lie you had uncovered about the gigai had not made much sense to you until now. With the puzzle pieces spread out before you it was not difficult to form the whole picture.

  
“Let me guess, something went wrong,” you predicted.

  
Urahara chuckled.

  
“Yes,” he confirmed, “I have never seen a person reject a gigai before, but Grimmjow here did. What you see now is what he was like back then.”

  
A puppet, a corpse suspended in the middle of the free fall to death.

  
“So you removed the gigai,” you concluded.

  
“I did,” Urahara said, “And he took some time to fully recover. I always thought it had to be a heightened form of claustrophobia; it must have felt like a prison to him.”

  
It made sense and you nodded along, determined to find a solution. However, the problem only slowly started to make sense to you, like a picture that had to be viewed from afar.

  
“But he isn’t in a gigai now,” you managed to say and looked down on Grimmjow. Still motionless, still hollow.

  
“It might be a side effect to being an Arrancar again,” Urahara theorized and sounded too intrigued for your liking, “But yes, he seems to be rejecting his own body.”

 

* * *

 

 


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is kinda short, tbh. You'll see why, though. (Because I am an ass and a sucker for cliffhangers, that's why.)

* * *

 

 

“However, it is different if a nerve is severed,” your professor continued and you barely even listened to what came next. The last weeks had been so taxing that uni did not stress you as much as it used to. Strangely enough you felt like you could take your time, take it easy as long as it was the only problem you had to face.

  
The sheet of paper in front of you was filled with doodles and small encouraging sentences. As your professor started to talk about causes of damage to the receptors for neuronal stimuli you began to write a list.

  
“1. Don’t fail the exam.” It was important to you and your future as a human; you could do at least this much.

  
The pencil scratched across the paper as you drew messy lines and pressed shaky dots onto the sheet where they needed to be.

  
“2. Call Chad.” He was out of the country by now but that was not a true reason to break off the contact. You had been through a lot together and his quiet confidence was something you could not do without in times like these.

  
“3. Tell Inoue the truth.” It was about time and she needed to understand that you could not return her feelings; it held her back and even if she had grown in the fight against the Quincy you feared that she still experienced trouble moving on. You would be there for her, but the first step on her way had to be taken someday.

  
“4. Visit Soul Society.” It had to be done. Needed or not needed, you wanted to see the survivors and take the time to mourn who had not made it out.

  
You set the pen down and looked over the list again; it was everything you could think of at the moment and yet it felt as incomplete as the empty page had.

  
It was a start.

 

* * *

 

 

“The distal interphalangeal joint,” you answered and buried your face in your hands, “I know all that. There’s no need to continue this, I should just-”

  
“You’re not leaving,” Karin interrupted you and slapped your fingers with the book she was holding, “We are doing this and you are not leaving until I say you can.”

  
Despite the fact that you were considerably taller than her you took her threat seriously. As long as you lived under the same roof you wanted to avoid disappointing them again; her and her sister who leaned over your shoulder to peek at your notes.

  
“Oy,” Karin said, “Don’t distract him! We still have five chapters to go.”

  
You cursed under your breath and dropped your head on your desk. All air was pressed out of you with the next exhale. If only it could clear your head as well.

  
A tiny burst of reiatsu hit you in the back and you jumped, bumping your knee against the desk in the process.

  
“What the hell?” you protested and turned around, “I was about to keep going.”

  
Karin’s smug look was not entirely mean-spirited in nature and you knew it. They were worried; not because another failed exam would mean the end of the world, but because they realized how important it was for your self-esteem that you managed to pass.

  
“Since when can you control your powers so well, anyway?” you asked and rubbed your neck, “That actually hurt.”

  
“You know exactly who taught me that,” Karin replied and shoved the book in your face again, “Now study or I’ll do it again.”

 

* * *

 

 

“How’s Nicaragua?” you asked and this time your laugh was guilt-ridden and nervous.

  
“Malaysia,” Chad answered, the same calm tone he always used.

  
“I could have sworn you said you were in Nicaragua.”

  
“I was. Then I was in Bombay. Then Malaysia.”

  
It made you feel small, made you feel ignorant. There was a whole world out there and you never took the time to explore it before you decided you wanted another.

  
“Listen,” you said and cleared your throat, “I’m sorry I didn’t call.”

  
“I could have called.”

  
“Yeah, but you are busy and traveling around the globe. All I did this week was read books on how to remove objects from someone’s insides.”

  
Chad chuckled and you could feel your chest tighten as you realized how he always made time for you. There was no memory of a time when he told you to wait or call later; he just dropped everything and listened to your rambling. No one gave him the credit he deserved and it confused you how long you had gone without speaking to him.

  
“You have your own life to lead,” Chad said, “And it’s not more or less than mine.”

  
You had to thank him and say goodbye as your throat constricted and your eyes welled up; it was embarrassing how much a simple sentence could mean to you.

 

* * *

 

 

_“He’s all you ever talk about these days”_ , Renji had told you and it scared you because it was true. So you sat down and wrote a list and began to work with it, one distraction at a time until you realized that none of the people in your life were just a distraction; and you owed them time, owed them so much more than that.

 

* * *

 

 

“The exam is your Nicaragua, Kurosaki-kun,” Orihime laughed as you visited her the same afternoon, driven by nostalgia and a wish for company, “And that’s okay too.”

  
“I’ve always known you aren’t in love with me,” she said as you tried to explain it to her, “And that’s alright.”

  
“Inoue, I’m sorry, I wish I could-”

  
“I don’t,” Orihime replied and offered you a cup of tea with a few ingredients swimming in it that you couldn’t identify. One of them looked like a human eye at first glance, until you recognized it as an olive.

  
“I relied on you for too long,” she told you and the pride that overwhelmed you was endless, “It is time I found my own path.”

  
She told you of the times she spent in Soul Society; how Rukia trained her in the sunshine and clearings of the forests outside Rukongai. How Yachiru teased her and yet never failed to follow her around to make sure she was alright.

  
It never occurred to you that the ties you created to that peculiar world were not unique; it humbled and calmed you at once.

  
“I’ll do what I can to make this world a better place,” she laughed and fumbled with her hair, “And all the others. As soon as I am strong enough I will restore the world of the Hollows as well. The time for war is over.”

  
“Did you tell them that?”

  
“Harribel knows,” Orihime confirmed and nodded with a smile, “I offered it to her when we last spoke. They are not happy living far away from their home.”

  
You hugged her until she blushed and told you she had other matters to attend to; after all, she had grown up, too. Her human life was orderly and exciting. Not that you ever doubted she could fit five life times into the one she had been given now. Maybe others had never tried to see it; but Orihime Inoue was one of the strongest people you had ever known.

  
It was time she accepted that, too.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You are not meant to be here.”  
“Hi to you, too, Byakuya,” you said and bowed with mock respect, “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but your sister invited me here.”

  
Just like one would expect from a noble the head of the Kuchiki clan walked through life with his head held high and a look on his face that told you exactly where you stood.

  
“I see,” he said and his eyes softened just the slightest bit. It seemed he had finally come to accept that the love he had for Rukia was something he could allow himself to feel.

  
While you still thought about her she bumped into you from the side, her reiatsu so familiar that you did not doubt your intuition for a second.

  
“Come on,” she told you, “Don’t be slow, Visored.”

  
You laughed and watched her walk in front of you; her presence alone grounded you, her figure delicate and graceful. A guiding light, so to speak, like a pale ray of moonlight. Your ears burned as you imagined ever telling her that.

  
“Like I’d need you to wait for me, idiot,” you called after her and jogged in the same direction. Before you stepped out of the bounds of the Kuchiki manor you turned around once more.

  
“I’m glad you’re alright,” you told Byakuya with genuine relief, “I was worried. We were all worried.”

  
You knew he could not thank you, not after all this time and probably not in the future. But the lack of a frown and the narrow line of his lips were enough for you to know that he appreciated it.

  
Rukia laughed as you caught up with her.

  
“I think you caught him off guard,” she said and smiled to herself, “So many people have expressed their concern and he still struggles to accept it.”

  
“Stubborn idiot,” you mumbled, “Like I’d be celebrating if he died. With everyone else gone, how can he even think that?”

  
It was not the best thing to think about; but it needed to be addressed at some point. Out of all the people involved with the Quincy war it was Rukia who you wanted to share your fears with.

  
Kenpachi was torn apart before your very eyes, his smile still wide and and happy. Hitsugaya and Matsumoto never returned, neither did Ukitake. Others followed them, so many that you had lost count. The Soul Society was hurt, split open.

  
“We survived,” Rukia said and her sadness hid determination, “And we defended this world. They had no regrets.”

  
You walked in silence for a while, enjoying the other’s company. Seiretei was still not in perfect shape, but the beauty of its eternal sunshine was undeniable. However, it lacked the warmth; an artificial sun until the world was entirely restored to its original state. Orihime’s words came to your mind; heal the worlds, heal the very fabric of existence.

  
“We’re alright here, Ichigo,” Rukia said after a while, “Really. It will take time, but we will recover. You don’t need to fix any more of our problems.”

  
“Like I ever asked to fix them in the first place,” you replied, but your anger was not genuine.

  
“That’s exactly what someone who was worried would say.”

  
“Shut up.”

  
Her hair swayed in the light breeze as she laughed; she was beautiful, no doubt about it. A soul so much older than yours and that iron will that had saved you time and time again. In spite of that she was not as harsh, not as bitter as her brother.

  
You wondered, for the first time in forever, if you were in love with her. It was a strange thought and you tried to taste the words before you considered them; in love, in love, in love. It didn’t sound quite right, too little and too much at once.

  
“What are you brooding about now?” Rukia asked and smirked, “Trying to weasel your way out of your human responsibilities, Ichigo?”

  
You bit back and so did she; you matched each other word for word. As you continued it became clear to you.

  
Of course you loved her; but you were not in love with her.

 

* * *

 

 

_All you ever talked about these days._

  
It was true, all true. You craved that connection, that link back to what you were before. Or at least that was how it started; with him as the ticket back he thought he could not be. Nothing more than a convenient offer.

  
Now, however, he might have become a choice.

 

* * *

 

 

Urahara called you as you stepped through the Senkaimon, your feet barely back on human soil.

  
“Kurosaki-kun,” the shopkeeper said and gave you a serious sense of déjà-vu,“You should really come over right now.”

  
This time you did not protest.

  
After all, you were fully aware what he was calling about.

  
“I’m on my way.”

 

 

* * *

 


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mhmmm, we got this far now. Almost there guys, almost there.
> 
> I chose the new tags up there kind of hesitantly, to be honest. Dysphoria is most commonly associated with gender, which isn't the case here. It also isn't a realistic portrayal because this is Bleach and being a Hollow automatically means there will be uncommon circumstances. 
> 
> That's all for now, I think. Thanks for the support so far!
> 
> pls dont cry bc its almost over b hapy bc it hapend

* * *

 

 

“How is he?” you wheezed as you came to a halt right outside Urahara’s shop. Without changing into your shinigami form you had run the entire way from the edge of town to its center. Air seemed insufficient to stabilize your exhausted lungs, every breath hurt and yet you didn’t regret sprinting without concern for your health.

  
Urahara only raised an eyebrow as you steadied yourself on the front desk.

  
“Better,” he said and shrugged, “He has not spoken much, but I think his soul returned to his body.”

  
It had been nearly a week since your fight with Grimmjow and you had spent your days distracted by other things; but he had always been there in the back of your mind, those empty eyes and slack body.

  
“What did you do?” you asked and attempted to shake the images from your memory like cobwebs, “How can we make sure that doesn’t happen again?”

  
Urahara gave you a pitying look, one that was supposed to remind you of your own naivety and hope when there was nothing to hope for.

  
“I waited,” he explained and his fingers toyed with the hem of his coat, “There is nothing else to do.”

  
“What do you mean?” you asked and your throat was dry and raw, “There must be something you can do.”

  
“This isn’t an injury you can patch up or a spell he is under, Kurosaki. This is something else entirely.”

  
As the words sunk in so did the hopelessness. Somehow you had still believed Urahara could make it alright, snapping his fingers to change the world in the blink of an eye. Unfair expectations or not, you were disappointed.

  
“I don’t understand,” you said and shook your head, “But that doesn’t matter right now. Where is he?”

  
Urahara gestured towards the back room and you were gone before he could so much as mutter another word.

 

* * *

 

 

Grimmjow sipped on a mug of what you guessed was tea as you entered. He sat perched on one of the desks used for storing items, his spine pressed against the wall. It reminded you of the way he had retreated into your closet to sleep, surrounded by something as if to avoid an ambush.

  
“Hey,” you said for the lack of a better greeting. You still panted as if you had run a marathon.

  
Grimmjow batted his long eyelashes; you had seen this before, him blinking slowly to convey deep-seated irritation.

  
“Are you alright?” you asked and the teasing comment died on your lips; even for someone as blunt as you there was a limit.

  
Grimmjow slid down the side of the table until his feet touched ground. His movements were eerily quiet and only the bottom of the cup clicking on the wooden surface broke the silence. You felt like you were watching it all in slow motion- the agile fingers uncurling to loosen the grip, the shift of his center as he balanced himself.

  
“Okay, so the silent treatment it is,” you said and sighed, “Great, just great.”

  
“Shut it,” Grimmjow shunned you and moved past you without sparing you a glance.

  
You grabbed his shoulder and tugged him back until you could look him in the eyes.

  
“I get you’re not okay, really, I get it,” you said and tried not to shout despite your endless frustration, “But just fucking talk to me, okay?”

  
Grimmjow looked at you with a haughty expression, as cold as you had ever seen him. With the dark markings beneath his eyes they seemed even more expressive. Thus the disdain and hatred hit you with their full crystal-clear force. A strike of lightning, an icicle that ran you through.

  
He slapped your hand away and brushed past you without another word.

 

* * *

 

 

_A trap within the Quincy streets forced you to wait and waste time until the mechanism released you by itself. After hours attempting to break through the defenses you were tired; you collapsed onto the debris and inhaled with all the force you could muster._

_Defeat did not suit you, but for now you would try to endure it. Everything was temporary, after all._

  
_It took you a while to realize that Grimmjow had slumped down close to you, a crumpled heap of ferocious reiatsu. The blue of the sky and the ocean. The last time you spoke you had smiled at him with fondness and the expression still tingled on your lips._

  
_“What’re you looking at, Kurosaki?”_

  
_His voice was as rough and aggressive as you remembered._

  
_You had missed him._

 

* * *

 

 

“Be careful,” Urahara had told you.

  
It was only as you arrived at your place to see Grimmjow in your room that you realized your patience was running thin. What difference did a warning make now? There were those words left unsaid that needed saying and those that would hurt when exposed to someone else.

  
“You treat me like shit for weeks and now you wanna come back here?” you asked and raised your voice, “What the fuck?”

  
For a second something flashed in Grimmjow’s eyes, something wounded and hidden below his bravado. It felt like a punch in the gut to see it, but it vanished as quickly as it appeared.

  
“Fuck off,” he growled and lifted his chin as if he meant to challenge you.

  
A part of you wanted to hit him, punch that arrogant smirk right off his face. The only thing that stopped you was the presence of your sisters in the house; Yuzu would be upset and Karin forced to hide her pain.

  
“Look, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you,” you hissed and your anger hurt your own insides, twisted them around, “But right now I don’t even care. You’re acting like a freaking child.”

  
Grimmjow sneered and rolled his eyes. His face was perpetually contorted now, always a scowl, always a frown.

 

* * *

 

 

_You had never seen Grimmjow smile before. It was just a quick image you caught out of the corner of your eye and yet it was edged into your memory for good._

  
_The Quincy trap had kept you close for almost a week and thing had changed quickly. Suddenly there was a need for speech and interaction, for civil words and manners._

  
_Grimmjow told you how he managed to make it out; how he clawed his way back into the game. It was easy to be kind to him and this time he reacted to it; soaked it up grudgingly until he was forced to return some of it._

  
_“Don’t die,” he told you whenever there was a new enemy approaching._

  
_He only smiled once and you were responsible- you felt like you ruled the world in that instance, powerful and unlimited._

 

* * *

 

 

“Either explain it to me or get the fuck out,” you said and grabbed his collar, “I’m so done with your shit.”

  
Guilt, so much guilt buried under the anger. But he stoked your fury with his arrogance and refusal to speak, kept it alight and burning even through his chilling disgust.

  
“Like I have to explain anything to you,” Grimmjow snarled and shoved you away. It was a practiced reply, an exchange that made no sense and worked perfectly for the two of you hiding behind your helpless anger.

  
“It’s not like you could understand,” he added.

  
It was the final straw and the final insult. Perhaps it was the implication that you were not interested or invested in his persona that set you on edge, perhaps it was the slight weakness he exposed by showing he cared.

  
“Get over yourself,” you heard yourself say, “Just because you hate your body you don’t have to take it out on me.”

  
It was the wrong thing to say and you knew, in that horrible second when the words left your mouth you knew that this was deeper than your selfish anger.

  
If he had hidden anxiety and insecurity away before then it was the same now, increased by a ten fold.

  
Grimmjow was upset and you could tell even if you had never seen him like this before. All the color drained from his face and his eyes were weirdly bright and wide with suppressed shock. His jaw was rigid and you could see his hands shake as if possessed.

  
You remembered the fear you had felt as he collapsed, the concern as you thought he had vanished and it had all been a dream.

  
Your sisters, showing him care and compassion. You doing the same as he was still an Adjuchas.

  
Why was it so difficult now?

 

* * *

 

 

_“You’ve given him a purpose,” Nel told you and smiled, “Grimmjow is happy, really. He was confused at first and couldn’t believe what you did, but he has waited for something like this.”_

  
_“He waited to be beaten?”_

  
_“No, he wanted someone he could trust not to kill him, someone who offered more to him than just an empty desert.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“Ichi didn’t mean what he said,” you heard Yuzu say downstairs, “He’s an idiot sometimes.”

  
Grimmjow allowed her close, you imagined, let his guard down around her. You should be happy and yet you weren’t. Not in the slightest.

  
“He feels guilty because he wanted you to be like this again and now you are hurt because of it,” Karin added and the truth in her words was disarming.

  
You remembered what Urahara said; that maybe you should consider telling Grimmjow what you were thinking instead of hoping for him to understand.

 

* * *

 

 

_“He was lonely before. Now he smiles, you know. When he thinks no one is looking.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m sorry,” you said and for the first time in a long time you felt like the weight on your chest lessened and with it the pressure.

  
Grimmjow looked at you, crouched on a rooftop. No sign of emotion on his face; what was left was the look in his eyes that gave him away.

  
“You’re an idiot,” he said.

  
“Yes I am,” you agreed and saw he was taken aback, “I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

  
Grimmjow shrugged and dropped his shoulders as if they were not part of him. It scared you to see his disassociation in effect; it only added to your guilt.

  
“Tell me,” you asked him and it felt like an order and a plea at once, “I’ll listen. I just want to know what is going on.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Dysphoria, you said and let the word roll off your tongue._

 

* * *

 

 

“It first started when Kisuke broke my mask,” Grimmjow said and stared up at the ceiling, “It felt so different from last time. Like a comet compared to a raindrop. Like- fuck, I don’t know. I was burning up and it never stopped. Until it did.”

  
And for the first time you wondered how he must have felt; giving in to your demands and jumping head first once more. What awaited him on the other side was a prison molded to his soul. Hollows were creatures born of fear and your chest hurt thinking about it.

  
“Thought it was fucking temporary,” Grimmjow said, his head pressed to the concrete and his eyes on the sky, “Then I started to space out. Once, twice, I don’t fucking know. Like my soul decided that this body was shit so I had to abandon it.”

  
The last time you had been here like his on the rooftops with the dark coveting you there had been no distance between you, no rift. As an Adjuchas he had felt as close as a part of your own soul.

  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” you asked and thought of your sisters giving him comfort, of Urahara’s concern. No jealousy, this time.

  
“You made fun of me,” Grimmjow replied and his anger was born of hurt, “When I was scared you laughed. Fucking hypocrite.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“It’s okay to want to protect something,” you said with conviction and flicked his head, “You’re not just meant to destroy.”_

  
_Grimmjow sliced open an enemy with his bare claws, head to toe._

  
_“Shut up,” he said, “Ain’t like I don’t know that._ ”

 

* * *

 

 

“Pantera’s gone,” he said as you walked by his side through abandoned streets in peace times. The night was your time now, the hours before waking when suddenly he would become talkative and you would make an effort to listen to his every word.

  
“Since that last episode I had,” Grimmjow continued as you didn’t press further, “I don’t know where she went or why it happened, but she’s fucking gone.”

  
It stirred a memory in your mind, but none you were familiar with. A foreign thought implanted into you.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Can’t have those Quincy bastards kill you before I fought you again, Kurosaki,” he chuckled as he wiped blood off his mouth. The corpse in front of him was covered in claw marks and the severed head stared at you accusingly._

  
_It was too much to say his eyes sparkled with excitement, but that was what your mind supplied you with. Grimmjow was so full of life for a dead creature, so otherworldly even for someone like you._

  
_“Yeah, that’s true,” you answered and he lit up even more until you thought he had to be glowing. This was who he wanted to be, where he belonged; right on the battlefield with you close by._

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m fine, leave me alone,” Grimmjow growled as you walked up to him where he knelt on the dusty ground. His eyes were not yet gone but you could see the emptiness flicker behind the usual gruff exterior. Disconnection, disassociation; so many words for the few seconds it took for him to leave his body behind.

  
“Let me help you,” you requested of him. It should be simple.

  
“I’m not a damn charity case for all of you to coddle and take care of,” Grimmjow hissed and his fingernails scratched across the concrete, “Don’t think I’m fucking weak just because this can take me down sometimes.”

  
_Don’t think I’m useless._

  
“You’re my friend,” you said and decided it was that simple. His hand on the ground, yours on the side of his face.

  
“And more, if you want that,” you finally managed to say. It was worth a smile and your lips obeyed.

  
Grimmjow watched you with a guarded expression, but you knew that you were chipping away at his defenses. Finally. Eventually.

  
“I don’t want that kinda thing,” he muttered and looked away, “I don’t want it.”

  
“Emotions?”  
“Sex,” he stated curtly, “Never wanted that.”

  
You laughed only because that was the least of your worries; the least of the things you ever considered.

  
“Is that funny to you?” Grimmjow snapped.

  
“No,” you said, “It really isn’t. But it also isn’t a problem at all.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“Being hurt doesn’t make you weak,” you told him, Aizen’s smirk still fresh on your mind._

  
_“Hypocrite,” Grimmjow replied, “You don’t even believe that yourself.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“I went to Hueco Mundo a month ago,” he told you and it did not sound sad at all. His head rested next to his soulless blade, right where he had dropped down after your fight.

  
Sweat cooled on your skin and you huffed out a laugh. The air was warm, the night smoothed the edges the world.

  
“World’s all gone,” Grimmjow continued and flicked away dried blood from his shoulder, “Could barely breathe.”

  
“Inoue said she is going to restore it.”

  
”Do you believe her?”

  
“Maybe,” you said and shrugged, “It’s not so bad here, is it?”

  
Grimmjow barked out a laugh.

  
“Fuck off, Kurosaki,” he said and rolled back up onto his feet, “I wouldn’t stay here if I hated it, would I, smartass?”

  
You hesitated and the words formed in your head before you ever considered saying them aloud.

  
“I’m sorry,” you slurred and pressed your palms against your closed eyelids.

  
Grimmjow didn’t answer, but you didn’t expect him to.

  
“I’m a selfish bastard sometimes,” you added, “Not that you can’t relate. Hypocrite.” 

  
This time, he laughed.

 

* * *

 


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maaaan, this is a weird feeling. Just the epilogue after this, guys. 
> 
> We made it past 100 kudos and that's freaking awesome and just, thanks a lot for that.  
> I'm feeling so emotional rn man  
> feel the vibe of appreciation
> 
> oh, almost forgot: I didn't tag the ship, but this may contain traces of renji / byakuya. dealbreaker for you? I am still available for callout posts on tumblr.com.

* * *

 

 

“Aizen isn’t dead, is he?” Grimmjow asked and forced the hot liquid down his throat. At least this time he could feel it burn.

  
Urahara paused, his back turned.

  
“What makes you say that?”

  
Grimmjow sneered and pressed the cup to his lips again, poured more into his mouth. It was supposed to help with his body. He wasn’t sure what effects it had had, but so far he hadn’t died. With every gulp it felt like souls of weaker Hollows clung to his flesh until they melted down into the mass that made up his core.

  
“You broke my mask,” Grimmjow answered the question, “I suppose you could get away with pretending you kept the damn Hogyoku, but I’m not fucking stupid.”

  
Urahara turned around to face him and smiled.

  
“It seems I underestimated you once more,” he laughed and sat down with a cup of tea between his fingertips.

  
“I won’t tell anyone,” Grimmjow growled and clenched his fingers around the mug until it creaked, “But if you can’t handle it, I’m getting Kurosaki.”

  
“Oh?” Urahara asked and smiled, “You won’t handle it yourself?”

  
“You know I can’t,” Grimmjow snapped and put down the mug before it shattered.

  
“That didn’t stop you before. And with the Segunda Etapa I helped you develop it might not be impossible.”

  
Somewhere out there Sousuke Aizen was still alive and Grimmjow clenched his teeth at the thought. Life and death were not as simple as they used to be, back when all that counted was power and survival. Pantera would have laughed at his state of mind had she not vanished without a trace.

  
“What you’re saying is that it was him who turned you, correct?” Urahara asked and carefully pried Grimmjow’s fingers from the floor. He had not even realized he was doing it, but the Arrancar had begun to claw his hands bloody. Nervous habit, calming movement.

  
“That’s not true,” Urahara told him with a level expression, “I am afraid I can’t tell you the whole truth, but I promise you it was not him. This power is yours, not his. So don’t reject it.”

  
He didn’t take Grimmjow’s hand in his, but he placed his fingers on top of the one scratched bloody in anger. Or maybe it really was fear that ruled a Hollow, from deep beneath that spotless mask.

  
“I’ve never lied to you,” Urahara said and looked his Arrancar guest in the eye.

  
Grimmjow scoffed, but stayed quiet. Silence was a valid response.

 

* * *

 

 

Renji arrived at your house when no one else was around. His footsteps were muffled by the carpet and you were surprised and irritated by how quiet he was as you let him in.

  
“What’s gotten into you?” you asked as he stopped in your living room. It seemed like he was frozen in place for a moment, so deep in thought that nothing could shake him from his slumber.

  
Then he shook his head and turned to face you again, gesturing at the stairs.

  
“I got something I need to tell you,” he said as you walked up behind him, his voice weirdly subdued, “And I’d rather keep this private.”

  
In a crevice of your memory an idea flickered to life, just a hint as to what he was referring to. It grew with every step you took and as you allowed him inside your room you were sure you had it all figured out.

  
“So, what’s this about, then?” you asked and leaned against your closet while he paced around.

  
“You remember that night a while back when we were in the park and I didn’t want to tell you that thing because I was sure you’d laugh at me?” Renji inquired in return.

  
You nodded. It had stung, just a little, to know he didn’t trust you enough to tell you. However, you also suspected there was more to it than that.

  
“That wasn’t why I didn’t tell you,” he said proved you right, “It was just that... Rukia didn’t know, either. I lied to her and so I had to go along with what I told her.”

  
“And now you want to tell me.”

  
“Yeah,” Renji said and averted his eyes, “It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s just-”

  
“This is about Byakuya,” you voiced what your earlier deductions had led to.

  
Had you had a camera nearby you would have taken a picture of Renji as he both protested and confirmed your suspicions by doing so. The color of his cheeks matched his hair as he gestured wildly. After trying in vain not to laugh you managed to end his misery.

  
“It isn’t obvious at all,” you assured him, “It was a lucky guess. I mean, if Rukia can’t know about it it either concerns her or her brother, and I know you two would not keep secrets from each other for that long. Not anymore.”

  
“Yeah,” Renji said and you laughed as he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, “I guess it is easy to figure out.”

  
He dropped down onto his back and bounced on the mattress once or twice. His hair tie had loosened and he reached up to slip it off with practiced ease. The long red strands spilled onto the bed and surrounded him like a wreath.

  
“It really is about Captain Kuchiki,” Renji started and placed his arm over his eyes to avoid looking at you.

  
“You were embarrassed because Rukia teased you about what happened before,” you helped him along, “But why were you nervous then?”

  
Renji groaned.

  
“Grimmjow saw me,” he confessed and it sounded like he had to wrangle it out of himself, “Saw us. Back with the Quincy, it was an accident.”

  
“You and Byakuya. You got it on when we were trapped with the Quincy. And Grimmjow watched.”

  
“No!” Renji protested and sat up again, “Grimmjow saw me confess and then get hit in the face for it.”

  
You had to suppress your laughter, if only because he looked honestly distraught and you didn’t want to kick a man who was already down.

  
“So I was kind of wary of how he would act when we met him in the park, you know,” Renji continued, “But it seems you were right, dude’s cool now.”

  
You huffed out a laugh and stretched your arms above your head.

  
“Changing the subject on me, huh?” you teased, “You’re not going to explain what happened with you and Byakuya?”

  
“That’s what I’m here for,” Renji replied and fidgeted, “I’m not good with this sort of thing. I just needed to tell someone and you’re not involved in Soul Society affairs and-”

  
“Yeah damn right, I hope there’s an ‘and’ or I’ll be offended for all eternity.”

  
“-and I trust you, okay?” Renji said grudgingly, “After all this shit I trust you and I wanted you to know.”

  
You smiled at him and didn’t have the heart to make fun of him this time.

  
“Okay,” you simply said, “Go ahead.”

  
“Don’t sound too excited, asshole.”

  
“Oy, I was being considerate.”

  
You sat down on your bed and leaned against the headboard. Judging by his attitude this would be a longer story, so you pulled your legs against your chest to rest your head on your knees.

  
Renji glanced over at you and took a deep breath.

  
“I’ve been admiring the guy for ages, even when I wanted to defeat him. I mean, you know how he is, always demanding respect just by breathing.”

  
It was a good comparison and you understood exactly what he said; Rukia was the same, but it was more evident in the way Byakuya acted. Something about his regal appearance intimidated whoever crossed path with him. It was different for you now, but you would never forget what fighting him had felt like.

  
“And then I realized it was more than respect, especially after he saved Rukia. When he did that I felt like I was allowed to like him for the first time, as if that somehow made him less of a prick,” Renji explained. His voice lowered when he used the insult, as if he expected his captain to jump out and decapitate him at any moment.

  
“It’s stupid,” he continued, “But I was naive enough to believe it could somehow work out.”

  
He didn’t look at you and just shrugged it off as if his resignation itself had become redundant.

  
“I wasn’t even sure about it. But then, when we were stuck in that city, I just-”

  
He hesitated

  
“You just...?” you asked quietly.

  
“I guess I wanted to tell him I didn’t hate him and I would care if he died? I wasn’t exactly certain we’d win, you know. Didn’t stop me from running straight into that death trap, mind you.”

  
“And that’s where Grimmjow saw you.”

  
“Yeah, he showed up just as Captain Kuchiki hit me, talk about bad timing.”

  
“He actually hit you?” you said incredulously, “I mean, I can see how he’d be pissed, but I didn’t think he would stoop so low.”

  
Renji heaved his shoulders up and dropped them again, all his energy drained from him.

  
“Maybe he wanted to save face or something,” he sighed and scratched the skin above his headband. Every time you saw him there were more tattoos winding their way across his body.

  
“I don’t wanna whine about it,” he said, “I’m not gonna start crying and tell ya how much I miss him or something. I mean, I’m still the lieutenant and we’re alive, so I can’t really complain. Hell, even your fluffy Espada pal is still kicking, so things really aren’t that bad.”

  
“Just because they could be worse doesn’t mean you can’t be broken up about it, though.”

  
“I guess,” Renji agreed and groaned, “Shit, I just wish I hadn’t told him.”

 

* * *

 

 

Upon returning home you found Yuzu in your room, raking her fingers through Grimmjow’s hair until his eyes slid closed and the tension in his spine unwound. You stood in your doorway and watched them. At least the Arrancar was unaware you were around, your sister looked up and smiled at you. As you opened your mouth she gestured you to be quiet and smoothed down a few stray strands of blue.

  
She began to hum a tune that you had heard before, something simple and sweet. It occurred to you that you had shown it to Grimmjow a while ago; a song saved on your phone, one that he had not seemed to mind back then.

  
Yuzu’s fingers moved with practiced ease and within that moment you were forced to realize just how much your sisters had done for Grimmjow. You had refused to see and acknowledge it, no matter how blatant the signs of their involvement were. Karin suddenly knew how to fight well, knew how to use her reiatsu and how to make her voice heard without using force. What used to be bravado was confidence now, and the line of her mouth was never pointed down when you saw her around the Hollow.

  
Yuzu picked flowers from time to time and brought them inside. Maybe they had always been there and you had ignored them out of childish jealousy. You saw them now, their vibrant colors clashing with the bright blue as her tiny fingers tucked them behind Grimmjow’s ears and wove braids around them.

  
Through the whole process she was concentrated yet kind, quick yet thorough. What used to generate a sinking feeling in your abdomen now made you smile; even if you had trouble crossing the distance and walking that last mile, Yuzu did not.

  
So as you watched them and Grimmjow grow ever closer you realized that perhaps, if luck was on your side, there was an ending to your story. Not necessarily a happy one; but an ending that would leave you satisfied and no questions unanswered.

  
Yuzu smiled as she added another flower, another five orange petals.

  
Complimentary colors, you thought. It had not escaped your notice.

 

* * *

 

 

Grimmjow spoke to Isshin at night, hours after the sun had set and the moon rose to where he could see it.

  
His steps had led him downstairs, his feet still uncertain and barely fit to carry him through the world. Urahara’s medicine helped, though. So did the other things, the tiny moments that brought colors to the blank canvas of his inner world. It used to be a forest, it used to be a land of ice. Grimmjow had never known what to expect, but at least he had known to expect something. Now all there was was void, endless, numb space without borders or shapes.

  
“Still up, I see.”

  
The voice ended his daydream and his mind returned to his body, wiped the drowsiness from his mind like dust on a windowsill.

  
Isshin Kurosaki leaned against the kitchen counter. He had not bothered to turn on the lights so he was illuminated by the moon; it gave an edge to all things it touched, a deeper meaning they might not have had in broad daylight.

  
“I was just leaving,” Grimmjow said and pulled his jacket closer, tighter around his frame. Kurosaki’s. It was warm.

  
The answer came only as he had his hand wrapped around the door handle, one step away from freedom.

  
“Wait a moment.”

  
Grimmjow froze. It had been too good to be true; just another illusion of safety. He turned, breathed, calmed down as he thought of music and flowers in his hair.

  
A fragile peace could last only so long, he mused, so this was how it would end. After months of rest there had to be a downside to this, a final countdown he had missed.

  
Isshin Kurosaki observed him like a skittish animal and maybe that was truly what he was; his insides still felt like a puppet, an artificial skin welded to his own. Flowers, he thought, Music.

  
“Is there a reason you don’t talk much?”

  
Grimmjow shrugged.

  
Isshin took a step closer. A twitch of the leg, a quick glance at a closed door.

  
“Alright,” Ichigo’s father said and sighed, “I know you don’t trust me.”

  
“That isn’t true. I trust you want to kill me,” Grimmjow replied, “I just don’t know when.”

  
Isshin hesitated, surprise written all over his face. Then, suddenly, he laughed.

  
“You’re something else, really,” he chuckled and turned away, walking towards the stairs, “Don’t be too loud on your way back in, some people are trying to sleep.”

  
Grimmjow watched him leave and stood alone in the hallway.

  
He reached up to touch the hem of the jacket he had taken. Kurosaki’s.

  
It felt warmer than before.

 

* * *

 

 

In your dreams you saw a creature, wild and voracious and the king of the world. It clawed through waves of enemies and the death throes of a storm.

  
You watched it from afar as it tore apart the millennia and shaped the rules of gravity to suit its needs. It smelled like lightning and its roar was thunder.

  
You had seen it before.

  
The second night you approached it amid the skyscrapers that were no longer flooded. The creature had built a rain forest around the buildings, a crater to shield its body from harm in the sunlight it brought to your mind.

  
“You’re Pantera,” you said and smiled as the creature lifted its head to focus its eyes on you. The pupils were not blue as you expected; they were dark and shapeless like the void itself.

  
“You are Ichigo Kurosaki,” the spirit replied and it made you laugh, that deadpan answer and casual sarcasm that you had seen in it its owner.

  
“Grimmjow is looking for you,” you said and took a step closer, over the edge of a building onto another that used to a thousand miles away. A mind did not work in human measures.

  
“Is he now,” Pantera drawled and fixed those galaxies-morphed-into-eyes on you again, its head cocked and ivory teeth displayed.

  
“Why are you here?” you asked.

  
“He left me here.”

  
Pantera moved with grace and followed your every move as you circled around it, unsure whether or not it was dangerous. Grimmjow’s powers unleashed were not the kindest, a force to be reckoned with, a force to cleave a hole in your chest.

  
“He doesn’t know where you are,” you refuted its claim, “So how could he have left you behind?”

  
Pantera vaulted over you and dissolved your sword between its teeth, pressed its claws onto your neck.

  
“Because he intended to keep me safe when he wasn’t,” it hissed, “The fool. The child. Thought I needed protection.”

  
Your heart swelled in your chest until you thought it was going to burst.

  
As you woke up there was no trace of the foreign power in your mind; but you felt warmed and sheltered just remembering the trust put in you.

 

* * *

 


	11. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> notes are down below, peeps.  
> (don't be afraid: look at that last tag I added)

* * *

 

 

A month later you held the envelope in your hands, still as stiff, still as pristine.

 

* * *

 

 

“How’s Malaysia?” you asked and this time you thought you were ready for the answer.

  
“I’m in Tokyo,” Chad said, “I’ll be back in Karakura next week.”

  
If there existed a positive version of a sucker punch to the gut then it represented accurately what you were feeling in that instant.

  
“You’re messing with me, right?” you laughed because there was no way it could be true, no way what you had wasn’t broken apart at the seams.

  
“No,” Chad replied with a determination in his voice that could not be faked, “I spent a long time trying to figure out where to go from here and now I know for sure.”

  
It was a hint for you to ask, to inquire further into the matter of his resolve. Not right now, you told yourself, that was something you could save for the time you met in person.

  
“That’s amazing,” you managed to say and pressed a hand against your mouth as if to shove the smile right back down your throat, “Fuck, I thought I’d never see you again.”

  
Chad was quiet for a moment too long.

  
“You should have more faith in us,” he said and you still heard the smile even as he reprimanded you, “After all this time you should know that is how trust works.”

  
“Shut it,” you grumbled and heard him laugh, “Talk about making me feel bad.”

  
“That wasn’t my intention.”

  
“Like hell it wasn’t, I don’t need to see you to know you’re smirking. Stoic my ass.”

  
Chad protested, but you could still hear the smile; as if he managed to bind it to his voice, infuse every word with it.

  
As you ended the call a few minutes later with the promise of a meeting fresh on your mind your own grin hurt your cheeks.

  
Your friends were not scattered around the world like stray petals; they had always been there with you.

 

* * *

 

 

You found a note on your desk and you laughed out loud as you examined its content. The paper was crumpled and torn at the edges, but the handwriting was neat and punctilious. You had seen it on exams and blackboards.

  
“Don’t get yourself killed, Kurosaki” it said and you were weirdly touched; the words a painting, a masterpiece.

  
“Yeah,” you said quietly and smoothed out the paper, “Same goes for you, bastard.”

 

* * *

 

 

Somewhere around midnight the power of Pantera vanished from your mind. It left no message, left no trace, but you knew where it went.

  
If there had ever been reason for hope it was now, when the soul returned to the traitorous body. When the soul began to reassemble.

 

* * *

 

 

Rukia and Renji sat with you on the side of the river, your feet dangling over the edge of the small landing stage. You were the only one with no shoes or socks and you took advantage of that; the water rippled whenever you dipped your toes in, cool and soothing on your skin.

  
“Semester break’s gonna be over soon,” you mumbled and let the sun shine down on you. You basked in it until you felt feverish and sleepy.

  
“That means you’re gonna be busy, huh?” Rukia asked, slightly petulant.

  
“Won’t have any time for your dead friends, huh?”

  
“Gonna forget about us, huh?”

  
”Yeah, what he said, huh?”

  
You chuckled and listened to them bicker as they tried to one-up each other with even sillier accusations.

  
“So high-maintenance,” you complained in an exaggerated voice, “Whatever is a poor human to do?”

  
The day was lazy and sluggish like a huge stream of water, moving slowly and so did you.

  
“I’ll miss you,” you said, weighing the words against your conscience and deeming them sincere, “But you were also the ones who told me to live my human life first.”

  
“Yeah,” Rukia laughed and pushed her hair behind her ears, “We’ll have all the time in the world once you’re dead.”

  
“Don’t sugarcoat it,” Renji added sarcastically and rolled onto his stomach, burying his face in the crook of his arm, “That’s gonna take a while.”

  
Death was inevitable and the thought would have scared you; but they would be there for you, on the other side just like they had been there for you in this world. Others, as well.

  
“Almost all my friends are dead people,” you groaned and closed your eyes, “What does that say about me?”

  
Laughter only added more weight to the air, until the comfort and familiarity of it all pressed you down onto the wooden planks, the smell of fresh grass all around you.

  
For a few precious hours you could have this; but even if the farewell tasted bittersweet, the time it was preceded by did not.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Even if we don’t make it out alive,” Renji said and shushed everyone protesting, “I am not saying I don’t believe in us. I am saying I am ready to die in order to do this.”_

  
_The Quincy streets were still as empty as before, the barrier slowly fading. Soon the trap would be all gone and with it the short time of uncertainty, of strengthening brittle alliances and finding comfort in the company of others._

  
_“See you on the other side,” Renji said and smiled and hid his fear so well you almost believed he didn’t share it._

 

* * *

 

 

“Abarai,” Byakuya said as he appeared in the human world, “There is something we need to discuss.”

  
Renji jumped up from his resting spot and shed his gigai without a second thought. The body dropped onto the landing stage and you rolled your eyes at his carelessness.

  
Rukia watched the exchange with a frown.

  
“Is this about the mission in Hueco Mundo?” Renji asked and his voice was a little too high and forced.

  
Byakuya watched him with his usual expression; cold and emotionless. Yet you were suddenly aware something was different, something significant.

“No, this is not about the mission,” Byakuya said and sighed.

  
Later you would tell people that Renji fainted on the spot; it was a lie, of course, but for a second you were worried he would actually keel over and never get up.

  
They left with a swift flash-step and you were alone with Rukia, an empty gigai and the last rays of sunlight.

  
“What was that about?” Rukia asked.

  
“I think it really isn’t my place to tell you,” you answered, “Ask them yourself.”

  
She furrowed her brow but you did not plan on giving her any more answers. After a while she gave up on asking; then she settled down again and looked over to the other side of the river.

  
“This is just temporary,” she said and you were not sure who she was trying to convince, “I’ll be back before you know it.”

  
You had been there before, at the crossroads and you hated it like you had hated it then.

  
“We did it, though,” you said quietly and smiled at the sky where no one could see, “The war’s over.”

  
Rukia turned and smiled at you, despite all the corpses you knew were there in the dust below the streets.

  
“Yeah,” she said and there were tears in the corners of her eyes as she laughed, “It is.”

 

* * *

 

 

Nel stopped you as you were walking home, her lean frame wrapping around you in the middle of the street.

  
“What are you doing?” you shrieked and steadied yourself on a fence. Your heart pounded in your chest and the shock still clung to your insides like a tangible creature.

  
“It’s healing,” she whispered into your neck and you hesitated immediately, unsure of what she was referring to.

  
“What is healing?”

  
“Hueco Mundo,” Nel said and laughed, her voice choked up and honest, “Orihime was right. She can do it. She can bring back our world.”

  
A few lonely spirits and their dead desert, you mused, it was strange how much they meant to you. How much you had come to care for this tangle of weird things, this phantasmagoria.

  
“I’m so happy, Ichigo,” Nel muttered and combed her fingers through your hair, “I was there earlier. We could breathe again.”

  
So they came with her. You were glad, there were so very few Arrancar left.

  
Nel stayed for a moment, nothing more, before her feet carried her back to that world she had wandered for so long.

  
“I’m glad I met you, Itsygo,” she said and you had to smile against your will as she pretended to lisp.

  
“Guess I can’t disagree with you there, huh?” you asked and waved once as she skipped along, back into that world she loved.

  
Then it was time for you to head home.

 

* * *

 

 

“I passed the exam,” you said.

  
It was strange to acknowledge it after all this; after wanting to fail for the longest time. In the context of an entire world saved and a war ended it felt so insignificant your chest hurt with it.

  
“I’m actually looking forward to it now,” you added after a moment and the dim lighting shrouded you and your thoughts in darkness.

  
You settled down on your side on top of the mattress without turning the lights on. It was better this way; calmer.

  
Across from you Grimmjow thought the same, you could see it in the way his shoulders slumped further. The smooth side of his face was pressed down into the pillow.

  
You wanted to reach out to him, to establish that physical connection. Right now he could pass as a human, with the shock of his hair hidden by the hood of the jacket you had lent him earlier. Woven into the strands you could still see the flowers in full bloom.

  
The cords connected to the headphones were concealed by his clothes. You weren’t fooled.

  
The music was on a very low volume but his ears were sharp. The tunes were smooth and soft but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

  
“Jazz, huh?” you whispered into the shared space between you, “Who would have thought.”

  
Grimmjow watched you out of half-lidded eyes. The shade of blue naturally seemed darker at night, yet you also felt like it was deeper, hiding the vast expanse of a moonlit desert. Like this you could see why people would decide to follow a king like him.

  
Your shallow breaths were loud in the silence and minutes passed as your indecisiveness only grew.

  
Grimmjow waited patiently, one hand beneath the side of his head, the other rested on his stomach. Somewhere beneath the calm and appeased there was the storm inviting you in. A creature from another world now, without a doubt; the sharp angles and precise lines that formed Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez drew you closer.

  
A blink, a twitch of the lips.

  
“Fuck,” you whispered, not caring if he could hear you, “You break my heart.”

  
A glimpse of teeth as he grinned. He looked happy.

  
Then he closed his eyes and dived back into the feeling of absolute rest that put him at ease. This was his world now, too. Unlimited. Unbound to anyone.

  
Despite all that he chose to be here.

  
You spoke to him and he listened through the peaceful trance he indulged in. You spoke and he stayed right where he was, even as you tugged his fingers away from his Hollow hole and tangled them with yours.

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand that's all they wrote. "They" being me, sobbing quietly in the corner.  
> Man, this was a wild ride for me (and I hope for you, too, to some extent.) 
> 
> So, the last few things I need to add at the end of this are:
> 
> 1\. Thank you all so much for the support. I mean, I wanted this to be seen (and I still do!), but I didn't expect it to be acknowledged by quite so many people.  
> So that is why I wanted to thank everyone who read this; everyone who commented; everyone who talked to me on various forms of social media about this- y'know I might as well just thank all of you. Everyone out there. Not Donald Trump tho.  
> No, but really (I am rambling because I am emotional lmao), couldn't have done it without y'all. (And that also goes to the silent readers: because hey, if this can be a fic for you to come back to and enjoy I am freaking happy alright? alright)
> 
> 2\. This fic is pretty personal to me. I mean, apart from it being the longest fic I finished so far it was also one that basically wrote itself. Then there are the (probably kinda obvious) other reasons which I am not gonna address any further right here.  
> Why am I saying that? Because it is the reason there won't be a sequel. I mean, I don't know if I will ever change my mind about that, but right now this feels complete to me. No need to ruin something I actually feel turned out pretty damn okay with a lackluster sequel (I mean have u seen Indiana Jones and The Mummy 3, like, honestly, like-)
> 
> 3\. Yes I am stalling before publishing this bc I am a coward and this is too much commitment for me
> 
> 4\. Some of you may know (I mean hey, there were ((((albeit joking)))) death threats already), but I am writing another longer fic right now. It will take a while to be finished, I don't even want to talk too much about it right now, but I just wanted to leave that comment here.  
> I consider Centuries to be Ichigo's fic- this is about his journey and the other people just happen to be a part of it. That obviously means there needs to be another one, right? Unrelated to this, but coming to theatres at-some-point-idk-don't-want-to-make-promises.
> 
> I think that's all I have to say for now, this is really it, folks.  
> Thanks for staying with me up to this point! Have a nice day, yo.


End file.
